I had never felt like I fit in so much... it was December 22nd, Thursday, 2016, 2nd period. The day before winter break, I was in the library because that day we were doing a bunch of activities, I had been wanting to learn how to figure skate but I didn't have any skates. Everyone else was skating, well, I wasn't the only one in the library- from my class at least. There were a bunch of guys but all the girls just sat down and they went on their phones, they sat in the back of the library because we weren't allowed to use our phones at school . I decided to pick out a book "Beyond Magenta" I can't remember the author but it's a book with a bunch of transgender stories in coming out etc. The reason being, I had been questioning for 7 months at the time (as transgender). All the guys were on the computers, doing stuff I wanted to do but would probably get made fun of for... playing online games like Agar.io and Slither.io, watching anime on the computers, watching some of the YouTubers I in fact did watch, one even got yandere simulator and started playing it😂 and when I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't take being in the library anymore, I overheard a guy saying "I wish I could watch anime but it has too much blood in it." Sure all of these things were stuff girls do as well as boys it's just a finally felt the biggest connection I had. The week before this I had cut my hair and begged my mom to get me a suit but this was just a stronger connection then I've ever had.
I'm scared to come out, well, I already have is just I was pushed back in the closet. Everyone forgot about it anyways... other than my mom. She talks about it daily, tells me "you better not go around telling everyone you want a penis" even though I don't, because I'm scared of who I am. That day in the library while I was reading that book, I tried to hide the cover because I was scared, embarrassed. At this point I currently identified as gay and panromantic, sexual attraction to girls and romantic attraction to everyone. I was even in my schools gsa but it still scared me. I felt like when I first cut my hair I came out and enough said, I'd never have to say anything. Some of my acquaintances would see me and say "wow, I thought you were a guy for a second." And I'd smile. Once one of them even said "at first I was like 'why is there a guy in the girls bathroom' but then I realized that it was you." That one made my day for sure but my mom has said things to me like "you know you DONT look like a guy right? No matter how much you want to be one you ARENT!" God sometimes I just want her to die...
And god how supportive my step mom and dad are but they live in a different province so... and I haven't yet came out to them but I told my step brother and he said "next year when you come you're gonna be a boy, right?" And I said "hopefully." That was the sweetest thing, really. Once my little sister used my preferred name but my mom sent me to my room. It's stuff like this that makes me wanna leave but I have friends here- not many, but the ones I have I could never imagine leaving... every day I think "I don't wanna go home." Unless of course my mom isn't at home. It's scary, she scares me.
