Pathetic

short
ʃɔːt/
adjective
1.
measuring a small distance from end to end."short dark hair." synonyms: small, little, tiny,

In other words not tall. Kei knew this. Of course he knew this. It was basic knowledge. He was in high school, how would he not know what short was? Never mind knowing the word "short", he knew the definition of many many words. This was all pointless and he knew it. He got himself worked up over the smallest things. He was smart. Smart enough to mock people, and smart enough to keep his emotions and insecurities on the inside. He sounded stupid but this was his way of reassuring himself in some way. Short could have many meanings. "Short" wasn't always spoken of physically. He knew for sure he was the opposite of short physically, but anywhere else he was short. Short in terms of talent. Short in terms of Happiness. Short in terms of friends. Short in terms of Trust. Short of almost everything. It made sense that he would be proud of his height, but he wasn't. He was like a fucking lamppost. A thin, sarcastic, crude, lamppost. Sadly enough, it was the only thing he had enough of. Unless you counted the snarky remarks and agitated looks he gave, he'd never run out of those. Sure he was smart, but you didn't need intelligence for happiness. His main reasoning for believing that was Hinata. That ignorant idiot seemed happy. Everyone seemed happy. It puzzled Kei cause he could tell they lacked so much. Hinata and Noya were short literally. Kageyama was short in terms of social skills and serenity. Yamaguchi and Asahi lacked confidence. Tanaka had trouble calming himself. Suga had no place after Kageyama joined. Daichi had no control over the team. They all lacked something yes, but they had everything else. They were still happy. They were still like this even without those factors. Tsukishima was the opposite. He had one thing and lacked everything else. He hated himself for it. All he did was complain and act bitter. Over absolutely nothing. He annoyed himself to no end, so why didn't Tadashi ever tell him he was annoying? Yama didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have such a terrible friend. Kei found himself wondering almost everyday why his freckled friend even bothered to stay. He had one friend. One could argue that just one friend was fine and that he didn't need others, but he wanted others. He craved friendship, but when offered, he turned away in disgust regretting his every step. Yes he lacked many many things. It also seemed he had things he didn't need. Things like anxiety. Pathetic. Absolutely Pathetic. He wasn't weak. He wasn't some little kid who needed to be coddled. He didn't need to be reassured by others that "everything was okay". Except he did. He needed it. He wanted them to see him.

He wondered if he should just stop. Stop this bitter act and just cry. Just start crying. Crying to let everyone know he wasn't okay. That he wasn't confident and crude. That he actually had fucking emotions. Maybe they would comfort him. Most likely they would laugh at him. Why would they even cast him a second glance? He brushed off all their emotions easily. What was stopping them from doing the same thing? Tsukki had no idea why he asked a question he knew the answer to. They would comfort him because they were human. Because they were open about their emotions. Because they cared. He wanted them to tell him that he was important, that he was valid. Because he didn't believe it himself. He didn't deserve to be in starter position. That was too much for someone who didn't even try. Yama did though. He worked so hard. He practiced day after day. He deserved to be a starter. Kei admired him for his relentless effort. Tsukki was never one to put effort into anything. Not even his schoolwork. He passed with flying colours without even trying. It might've been because he was too nervous to lose. He hated the feeling when he gave it his all and the ball still hit the court. He hated it when his blocks were broken even though he had put so much emotion and emphasis into the jump. He absolutely detested it. It was sickening and it consumed his whole being. You could say it gave him panic attacks, but he hated that. He wasn't a weirdo who freaked out for the simplest reasons, he was normal. To avoid this feeling of embarrassment and hatred, he didn't try at all. It was much easier to lose when he hadn't tried. If he made no effort to chase down the ball.