Lighters

I hate my life. I just hate it. I feel like my everything was burned down. i feel like my everything neglected me. i needed some sort of release.

but wait…

What a sensation.

Why haven’t I done this years ago?

Who knew one could solve all of your problems?

“can I use one of your cigarettes?” said Nancy

 I handed her one and gave her my lighter. She took a breath of relief as she endorsed her breath in the smoke.

We’re only 16.

We were in an outdoor mall. As typical where we would be.. but only around 11pm

We ended up walking to the street fair as we finished my pack. My lighter was running out. I saw my friend working in one of the food booths, Christina.

She already knew I been smoking. She knows it has been my escape to this tragity called, life.

She offered me food. I was confused why but i took it anyways. I smiled and said thank you as I walked away.

When i sat down to eat i realized she slipped a pack of cigarettes & a new lighter hiding under the food.

Nancy went back home and we walked in different directions.

I walked in my door. My brother was there he looked at me suspiciously.

I brought food.

I told him

he still looked at me.

Iran to my room and hid my pack under my laundry and put my lighter in my dance bag. I walked over to the bathroom passing my Brother’s room.

“get over here.” he said stubbornly.

I quietly walked over to him. i was terrified, i was having an anxiety attack inside

“let me see your purse”

i sighed in relief because there was nothing in there to hide. He searched through the whole bag. He emptied it out twice.

“let me see your dance bag”

my heart started pounding again as I walked over and gave it to him. he searched through the whole bag, he pulled out my lighter

Oh its just for burning fabric when I help my dance coach sew costumes and burn edges.

He didn’t believe me. He searched through my room. He never managed to find my new pack of cigarettes. I started to feel safe.

“DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME FUCKING JOKE?!” he screamed at me… “I KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. I JUST KNOW IT.”

you are phyco.

“PHYCO?! YOU SMELL LIKE SMOKE FROM A MILE AWAY.” he grabbed my shirt & started screaming in my face. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I NEED TO

 KNOW”

OKAY. I BEEN SMOKING. THERE. I showed him the pack of cigarettes I hid

"YOUR FUCKING KIDDING ME. WHERE DID YOU BUY THOSE?!”

Christina from the street fair gave them to me.

He marched out of the house and started running and didnt even bother closeing the door.

I sprinted and followed him yelling STOP YOUR GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE, ITS NOT HER FAULT. But he didn’t listen.

he went up to Christina and said “DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME JOKE?!”

“what?” asked Christina.

“I WILL FUCKING BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF FOR GIVING ROSITA CIGARETTES”

i tried to stop him because I knew he was gonna get in trouble..

Her husband, who is 7 foot tall, and probably benches about 400 pounds, came out and gave my brother a dirty look. My brother looked at him trying to

hide his terrified emotion.

“why did you threaten my wife?” said her husband.

“she gave my sister…” he choked

“either way. I don’t give a fuck. You still threatened my wife. Now im gona kill your sorry ass.”

brother started running away and Christina’s husband quickly caught up to him

he threw him the the floor and started beating him with his bare hands

I quickly ran over and yelled

DONT HURT MY BROTHER.

I started to kick him in this sensitives but he showed no emotion. WHATTHEFUCK?

Quickly enough me and my brother started running away as fast as we could. We already knew he was going to beat us to our death.

We have to say goodbye to our dad. And I have to come clean.

We ran away as fast as we could knowing he’s after us.

We ran to the store where my dad was at.. I ran over to him & said

MY BROTHER FOUND OUT I BEEN SMOKING & SOMEONE IS CHASEING US AND IS GONNA KILL US.

I yelled as I tried catching my breath

my brother nodded and was breathing heavily.

I said, I know im gonna die right now. But I don’t want to die like this.

my brother and father gave me a strange look

I walked over to the oil/gasoline section of the store.

I searched my pockets. I found my old lighter. It had barely enough for at least one more light. I ripped off a bottle of gasoline and poured it all over my body. I lit the match. I placed the fire against my head. The fire was on but nothing happened.

I tried again and again but nothing.

I ran over to the bathroom and looked at myself. I cried in tears know my brother and my father are getting beaten to death right now.

I tried to light up my lighter again. I was able to make more light.

I put the fire to my heart and started to burn my skin down.

I felt no pain. No emotion.

My heart couldn’t possibly break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with.

I knew my time has come.