I Dont Even Know

Early Heartbreak

   The next few days of school passed by quickly."Last day of school," I said to myself. Summer was only one day a way and I was very excited. I would finally be able to hang out with Nathan without worrying about my school work."Ok,"I though to myself,"I can get through this day." Believe it or not, that day seemed to go wuicker than expected. Before I knew it, I was outside the school walking home with Amy. Suddenly, she stopped and looked at me. "What?"I asked. She began,"Well, you and Nathan are getting all cozy these days, right? I was just wondering, are you together?" I glared at her. "I..I never thought about it,"  I responded. She continued,"Well, I'm just asking cause I think you two should really be together, if he's going to be all lovy dubby with you. I mean, he seems to like you alot. I always see how he reponds to you and how he responds to other girls, and he gives you so much attention. Why hasn't he asked you to be his girlfriend?" I looked down at the ground. She was right. I noticed it too. I thought to myself,"I wonder why he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend." I responded to Amy,"I'm sure everything's fine. Maybe he's planning on asking at a certain time or something. He really does seem to act differently towards me, doesn't he?" She nodded. I began to get excited at the thought of finally getting a boyfriend. And as a bonus, to get one who actually cares about me and isn't intereted in all the other girls. "Maybe he thinks I'm special,"I thought. 

    After 20 minutes of walking, we finally reached my house. While we were there, all we could talk about was Nathan. Nathan and Amy's boyfriend, Matt. After a while, we got tired and Amy asked if she could sleepover. Ofcourse, my mom said yes, so she slept over that night.I could't sleep at ll that night. Just thinking of Nathan made my heart beat faster. I remembered all the sweet things he had said to me, and how he acted when he wasn't around me. "He must really like me," I couldn't have imagined anything better. To finally get a boyfriend AND he turns out to be great looking, popular and very caring. "That's so uncommon,"I thought,"Maybe I'm lucky." After 30 long minutes of thinking, I fell aleep.

       "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" shouted Amy from  the other side of the bed. My eyes opened. She was bouncing up and down on the bed excitedly. "What?" I asked, still half asleep. "Todays's the day," she said. I raised my eyebrows. She continued,"The party, remember? Cathy Franklin's having a party at her father's house. I heard it's HUGE. We have to go." I pushed her off the bed. " I want to sleep," I said. She pushed me and con tinued rocking the bed. "We need to find something to wear," she said. I gave her a miserable look. I stayed still and tried to ignore her. After a while she left. Much to my surprise , however, she entered the room with a bucket of water. "Wha-What are you doing?" I asked. She gave me an evil look. I turned by back to her and tried to ignore her once more. I thought to myself" She can't pour that water on me. It's MY house  and I'll kick her out." Much to my surprise, she took up the bucket of water and poured it on my head. I screamed. She shouted,"Get out of the fucking bed right now or I'll hit you." I began to get frightened. "Okay, okay,"I responded. I got ready, changed and was heading to the mall with her to find an outfit. 

       "Neiman Marcus!" I shouted. I loved name brand clothes but couldn't actually afford them. She had an annoyed look on her face. We decided to go into a regular, everyday store. "Forever 21?" I thought. Sigh.  We began looking through the clothes. They were fabulous, I must admit, but they weren't as great as those at Neiman Marcus. While looking at a rack of dresses, she turned and said to me,"You know, I forgot to tell you, Nathan's gonna be at the party." I groaned. In my mind, however, I thought,"Fuck yeah!" Believe it or not, from that moment onwards, I was the one more desperate to find an outfit. EVentually, I found the perfect outfit. I was planning on suprising Nathan and making him see that I'm not just a little girl. We returned home and relaxed for the day, so we would have energy for the party.

     It was soon 9 o clock and we decided to get ready. After bathing and combig my hair, I took a good look at myself in the mirror. "Boy,"i thought,"I look hot." I put my hair to the side, with a side part and my look was complete. I just added a few pieces of jewelry and I was ready. Amy was actually waiting on me to finish. While she was outside waiting for me, I decided to put on some makeup. "Omg," I thought,"Wait till Nathan sees me." After another 15 mins of putting on makeup, I was ready to go. I met up with Amy outside and we headed for the party. We were  about a block away when I began to think of all the stuff Nathan an I could do together. I wondered if he was going to kiss me at the party or if he was going to hold back. Sigh. "Maybe he'll finally ask me to be his girlfriend," It had been 9 months since I had known him. Not that I was getting impatient, but I was really beginning to wonder. 

   Finally, we had reached the party. I entered the house feeling a bit shy and not at all confident. Everyone was dressed much fancier than I was. My outift was practically trash compared to theirs. I mean, sure I looked cute but when compared to the other girls, I really was just a little girl. Most of the girls there were my age and yet I looked so much younger than them, simply because of what I was wearing. I walked around with Amy some more and eventually we met up with some friends. Ironically enough, Amy's boyfriend was in the popular group and he had texted her to tell her where they were. I became excited at the thought of finally seeing Nathan. No words could explain how happy I was to meet up with him at the party. We left our group of friends and headed for the area that they were hanging around. When we got there I glanced around, searching for Nathan. My eyes stopped. I noticed him smoking with a girl beside him. "Hmm," I thought,"They seem to know each other well." I sat down opposite to them beside Amy while she talked to Matt. I didn't want to disturb Nathan, so I let him stay with his friend. I just sat quietly and waited to see if she would leave him for a while. Amy eventually got up and we went to the dancefloor. We began dancing for a while, but I really didn't feel up to it. I began to think about the girl Nathan was with. "She's really pretty," I thought to myself,"But there's no way..." I dismissed the thought. I decided I should enjoy myself because Nathan and I would have fun later. I continued dancing with Amy. We were getting a bit tired of dancing so I decided to find somewhere to sit. She followed. There was a small hut which had seating and we went there to sit down. We began talking. I noticed more of our friends appearing, and even her boyfriend. She went to her boyfriend and left me with the other friends. I looked around. More of the popular crew were appearing around me. "Nathan should be coming soon,"I thought.

    I just sat quietly and waited. Waiting was all I could do. I sat and watched as everyone had fun. Soon, I saw two people approaching from afar. I looked at them. "Nathan!" I thought. I looked closely and saw that he was still with the girl. "I..." I muttered accidentally. It seems someone must have heard me, because next thing I knew, one of my friends began engaging in a conversation with me, asking me if I was ok and if I wanted to leave. Basically everybody kew at this pint that I had a crush on Nathan. News spread fast. Amy hadn't told anybody. Matter of fact, I didn't tell anybody who would tell others. His freinds somehow found out, however, and wouldn't drop the matter. I don't know if he ever spoke to them about me or vice versa, but they definitely knew. He found out eventually, as well, because one of my friends decided it would be best if he knew. Even if others didnt. 

    I looked at him and the girl one more time. "That's it," I thought,"I'm not a dumbass. I know what this means. I slowly began to rise from my seat. As I got up, I noticed them going closer to each other. "No, no, no, no,"I thought,"This can't happen. Even if it does happen, I can't see it." I began to walk quickly and get out of the hut, but something caught my foot and I fell. I looked around. His friends were laughing at me. I glanced at him only to realise that he hadn't even noticed that I was there. He was completely taken by this girl. I almost began to cry. I knew better though. I looked around, then looked back at Nathan. He and the girl were now having a full-on makeout session. At that moment, something snapped inside of me. I got up, went to each an every boy and started making out with them. I moved from one to the other like it was nothing. At one point, while I was with one of his friends, he approached me and introduced me to her."Lexi?"I thought. I walked away and out of the hut. I ran out the house, through the gate and down the street. Rather than walking to my house, I decided to go to the park. I felt better there.When I got there, I took a seat on the swingset and rocked back and forth. Slowly, as I continued rocking, I felt the tears run down my cheeks.I looked down at the ground. The dirt on the ground seemed to rearrange and form the shape of Nathan and Lexi. I kicked the dirt and continued crying uncontrollably. I came off the swing and lay down on the ground. I looked up at the sky, thinking, wondering, still crying. "Please let it be joke,"I thought. I put my arms around my shoulders. "Please let it be a fucking joke."