rant/suicidal journal

//him

i love him, my boyfriend. just too much, you know? i'm that clingy hoe who seems to not have friends. all that matters is him. no one else. that's not true in my case (thank god), but i do spend most of my day worrying about if hes safe, where he is, why he isn't texting me: legit everything. makes me seem more insane because i'm sure so many of my friends/acquaintances notice that horrible characteristic of me. I've just spent a great deal of time in my life feeling the need for love. i can't accept myself, that's for sure. like yes, i know the saying of to love yourself before loving others. i... i need time. i can only notice the bad until i fix my flaws. i will do anything to get love. i want to feel important. i want to feel like someone cares for me. my boyfriend does that for me, but sometimes i feel like i want more attention. that's what makes me mad at myself, like mialani he has this thing called a life. a life that involves family and friends. just because you don't do anything like ever doesn't mean he is the same. it's just so angering. i will legit get so depressed if he doesn't text me back in a certain amount of time, depending on my mental state at that very moment. i feel like i treat him like shit when i feel that way. he says he never gets mad or upset, but i want to be the best i can be. he says im perfectly amazing the way i am, but i hate everything about me. i need to at least like something. i sadly can't even trust that he's telling the truth. yes, i know its fucking sad that i can't even have trust in my own boyfriend. i just kinda really struggle with self esteem. i also don't want others to feel like i'm being too positive and that my life is so perfect. talking badly about myself actually gets my boyfriend to talk good about me. that's exactly why i do this. but i know for sure its annoying him, even though he says nothing about me annoys him. im not perfect jimi. i can't believe that, im sorry. too many flaws, why did you even ask me out? you deserve so much better. someone whos actually mentally sane and healthy. someone who doesnt complain 24/7. someone who... is compassionate and positive. i have none of those characteristics. i just want love, but i care about you more than my issues. so please leave me if you feel like im doing anything wrong. love you.