The Inadvertent Pain of the Past

the awakening

Opening my eyes was physically impossible, they felt so incredibly heavy. It was as if there were weights tied to my eyelashes allowing me to do nothing but keep them firmly shut. All I could see was darkness and although I'd always had an acute fear of the dark, in that moment the nothingness was somewhat soothing. As I started to regain my senses again, I heard people scurrying around me like rats. Their murmurs were easily understandable. "Benjamin..." a woman's voice trailed off as if she was searching for the rest of the name, my name.

"Rupert Castini, ma'am" this time it's a different voice, one in which presumably belonged to a young woman no older than nineteen. Her voice shook as she spoke, giving the older woman every detail about me from medical records to the date I was married. "He went into a coma on January 10th 1999 and is from Boston, ma'am" she continued, this time with a little more confidence in her voice. But even to me, it was still obvious she was nervous. Slowly, the weight of my eyelids lifted and I started to regain control of my body.

A far away voice shouts things like "he's regaining consciousness", "brain activity is increasing" and "adrenaline levels are on the rise".

"Benjamin can you hear me? I'm Doctor Morgan, It's nice to finally have you back from the almost dead." Doctor Morgan's voice was rich and somehow stayed professional even while she slightly out of breath. I finally felt the weight lift and I opened my eyes. At first everything was a blur but as I continued to blink, slowly, my surroundings became crystal clear. The room, I was expecting to see was cold and sterile but instead of being surrounded by the blinding white paint of a hospital room. I was met with walls painted a deep ocean blue. Paper not only littered the ground but continued up the walls each piece containing a mathematical equation that no normal person would comprehend. A small woman no older than thirty-three stands over me with a warm smile plastered on her face. Next to her, stands a young girl who waves sheepishly.

"Hello, Mr. Castini sir, I'm Annabelle, I'm Doctor Morgan's assistant and research specialist... alongside being her daughter" Annebelle said. Unlike Doctor Morgan, Annabelle's voice was not bright and bubbly but more solemn and calm. "Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?" She asked.

"My name is Benjamin Rupert Castini and I'm a thirty-seven year old man who works at the same small mom and pops bookstore in downtown Boston, I've been working there since I was sixteen. My wife died of cancer at age thirty-four and for the last three years before the coma, I've been living off of a cocktail of drugs to keep my depression under wraps" I finish with a smile for affect and both Annabelle and Doctor Morgan frown. The similarities between the two makes it believable that Annabelle is Doctor Morgan's daughter, although the age gap between them is quite small. "Ah Doctor Morgan" I say scared to ask about personal matters.

"Emily, my name is Emily" she interrupts me, her tone never changing from overly sweet and airy.

"Well Emily... Annabelle mentioned before that she is your daughter but the age gap between you two is quite small..." I said, looking down I start to kick my shoe against the cement floor nervously. Paper that littered the floor were moving further and further as the air shooed them leaving a small patch of grey cement clear. I had always hated prying into other people's business.

"I was young and dumb Mr. Castini, full of love and lust like most teenagers. Annabelle is the product of my high school romance that I thought was going to last forever but totally unexpectedly didn't" the sarcasm basically oozed from her voice and next to her Annabelle rolled her eyes over dramatically while looking down at the clipboard she was holding. "I was sixteen while her father was eighteen and about to graduate high school when we had little Anna, although he's now long gone." I look up only to see Emily glance down and sigh, you could almost hear her heart breaking all over again.

"I'm so sorry to hear it didn't work out Emily..." I trailed off hoping that the subject would be changed. Talking about long gone partners only reminded me of the one thing I tried to forget, my wife. At aged thirty-three, we had been together for twelve years, she was my whole universe and nothing could ever compare. With her, my depression was non-existent, she somehow made it disappear but when she disappeared it all came bubbling up to the surface again.

"Benny... May I call you that?" Annabelle asked. I slowly nodded, egging her on to continue. At first, I was surprised the only person to ever call me Benny was my wife, to everyone else I was just Ben.

Although, Annabelle didn't know that the nickname she just said made me lose my breath added with a sharp pain in the chest, so instead I allowed her to continue without correcting her. "Do you mind talking about the accident?" Her voice was soft and gentle as if she was tiptoeing around the subject.

Once again, I nodded carefully thinking about my words before saying them. "It was January 10th 1999 at the time, snow was falling and the roads were slippery with black ice and all... it was a dangerous time for everyone not only those inside the car but those out. I was walking through the city like I normally do, it was a routine that Jasmine my wife, had gotten me into" I said.

"Although, she's gone now but I thought why be alone in my small one bedroom apartment when I could be alone with half a million people walking and driving beside me" I added, chuckling to myself at the idea. I always found it funny that in a place so full of people I always managed to somehow be alone.

"And the accident Benjamin?" Emily stared at me intensely only then did I realise her deep green eyes and how her fiery red hair complimented them so beautifully. She was beautiful and that was undeniable. I cleared my throat, talking about the accident is something that I thought wouldn't bother me but somehow I find myself trying to avoid it at all costs. Annabelle's voice filled the silent room as she comforts me. "Benny it's okay you don't have to talk about it" she said.

Having a nineteen year old girl comfort me would normally make me feel uncomfortable, I know how to handle myself. I am not one that lets my emotions show to the world, I don't need other people's pity. "Well there was a taxi who was speeding but it's Boston so I thought nothing of it. I guess the road was slippery due to some black ice and the taxi lost traction and came spinning off the road towards me, next thing I know I'm waking up in some weird room I presume is a science lab..." I trail off fully taking into perspective that I'm not in a hospital like I should be.

"Speaking of which why aren't I in a hospital like a normal person who's been in a coma?" I ask suspiciously as my eyes wander around the room and I notice the cameras in each corner.

Emily's eyes widen and she nervously looks down at her watch before she suddenly whispers something presumably important into her daughter's ear. Annabelle smiles at me while her mother begins to slowly speak. "I'm sorry Benjamin I would love to stay and answer more questions but right now it's getting quite late..." she trails off, studying my face probably hoping I had fallen for her terrible excuse.

"It's best if you don't eat anything tonight, one of the side effects is nausea" she says as she quickly stands and scurries out of the room Annabelle following close behind, almost mimicking Emily's movements.

"Side effect of what? Doctor Morgan!" I yell but it's too late the door had already been slammed shut and they were both now long gone. Finally, being alone I had time to fully take in what the room looks like. Besides the deep ocean blue walls and mountains of paper, there was a small desk in the far corner. The desk didn't contain much, it was nothing special, dark stained wood with a gasoline lamp placed carefully beside it. Pens and pencils litter the top of the desk but no clear paper in which to draw on.

I was never good at mathematics or science especially since I was a high school dropout but the one thing I could do was draw, picking a piece of paper off the floor and turning it over I sit in the slightly uncomfortable wooden chair and began to draw. I didn't know who I was drawing until I was finished, at first I thought it was my wife but with eyes that green and hair that red there was no possibility. Staring at the drawing of Emily, I had just completed my head slowly became heavy and once again, I'm unable to lift my eyelids as if they have weights tied to them.

Before, I was once again consumed by the warm comforting darkness, the gasoline lamp flickered on and off, but I'm too tired to let my fear put me at unease and ruin the wave of calmness that rushed over me as I close my eyes before slowly drifting into the world of imagination and delight.