Everything

Surprise

"Oh. Hey" 

"Uhm. Hey,Dave. Where have you been? It's been,like,a month ago since we had time together. What's up with you?" My voice sounds so shakey that I can't almost speak averagely loud.

"Well,uhm. Can we just,you know,go somewhere? So we can talk more private? Like we always do. Right?" Then he held my hand. Oh,I missed him so much. I missed him every second,to be exact. So I hugged him,tight. So tight that I can hear his chest pounding as he breathes. I don't care if we're still inside the mall,people looking like us as if we stole something. Attention,maybe? But,oh I don't give that kind of .... So we just walked fast and searched for his car. Then finally,we found it. So we got in and he drove off.

"So,where are we going?" I asked.

He smile at me, "At the park." 

The park? Oh,right. The park,where we actually first met. And it felt weird to reminisce,since there's awkwardness between us,and it just makes it worse as I try to have a flashback. So I just stared at him the whole time. And by 9:05,we're already there. It's a long trip,tho. But as I stepped out of his car,there's something circling my mind. And I don't like it when I figured it out. 

Why would he plan to spend our time here at the park? We haven't visited it since I answered him yes 4 months after we first saw each other. Ugh. What am I thinking? I have to keep calm and just let this moment  occupy my mind,my body,my spirit,my whole self.

So I took a deep breath and let those negative thoughts go away as I exhaled.

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"Okay. Nathie,can you promise me you wouldn't think about it after I tell you this?"

O-kay. That wasn't a good start.

"Uhm,sure,Dave. Everything,just for you." But please not now. Don't hurt me,not this time. Not everytime. Stay with me,please. I thought. 

"Nathie,don't cry. I can't stand looking at you as you cry. I don't want to see you be hurt. Not ever. But I have no choice." Shit. I knew it. Of course I knew it. He's Dave. Always soooooo predictable. And I hate  the way I knew things about him,not ever,until now. 

I wiped off my tears. And spoke calmy ,

"Look,if you want us to get this thing over,swear to me and everybody that you have a very acceptable reason to get this over. If you didn't? I don't know. Don't call it a revenge. Call it a karma. 

I know that you know that this feeling I have for you is real. Yes,HAVE. But soon will be considered as 'had' . You're not everything,Dave. You're not. You're just something inside of me. A part of me. But I know It can be replaced. It always can. So,okay. We're done. But never regret for doing this. It's your fault. And you can't escape from that." and that's it.I ran as fast as I could. I barely even saw the things waiting there in front of me.All I'm sure about is that he didn't chase after me.And that's worse than knowing he wants to get our relationship over. Because with that,I already knew his reason. He's tired with me,done with me,and over me. And it hurts soooooo much to think of it again. And as I past all the trees. I suddenly stopped at the edge of the roadside. Because if I didnt,I should be dead by now.And as I realized I don't know where to go, I cried like a baby abandoned at the center of nowhere. Because right there,right now,I don't know how to start again. Yes,I lied to him. I said he wasn't everyhting. But the truth was,he honestly was. And as I thought of that,I just cried a lot more and sit right there near the road with my face covers with my hand and close with my knees. And I've cried too much,so I just tried to walk across the road,not minding the cars approaching,and just walk about 50 meters and go inside a convinience store,sit,and stare at nowhere.What am I going to do? I don't know how and where to start. It hurts. It really,really hurts.Those thought circled my mind for a moment,until I felt my swollen eyes from my cry close slowly. And I can't stop it. Because I want this day over. Because hopefully as it does,all those things will just go washed away,too. Even I know inside of me that it surely just can't.