my non-existant love life

          It kills me when I see him, the guy I thought would disappear shortly after school begun. I first noticed him at the beginning of eighth grade, I didn't think much of it especially because he was dating someone else, he was just cute. I got sidetracked by another kid, but that faded quickly when I realized how much shorter he was than me, petty I know. Next semester I got to know his girlfriend, we became friends quickly. I then i quickly learned he wasn't her boyfriend, but cousin. Still didn't feel a thing. Until we hung out in gym. It wasn't alone time, but I was with his cousin, whilst he sat in a corner studying his Spanish packet. He would then wonder around with his friends, while I talked to his cousin pretending not to get every glance I could juice out of my predicament.

         My thoughts of him escalated quickly as the weeks progressed. I would walk near him any chance I got, pretending I didn't notice he was there. And the few times we talked, I felt great, and craved more, but we had one class together and I couldn't just ditch his cousin.

         Whenever I saw him in the hallway my heart would melt, and i couldn't stop the rush of butterflies that flowed through my stomach. I would write stories about him and me, this one included. One time I even wrote his name again and again in different fonts on my special note cards. It was weird for me, realizing he was my true first crush. Its I fitting name too, considering how much seeing him crushed me. I knew he was my crush, because as I said before I would get butterflies around him, but when we talked they disappeared and I could talk just fine, with the exception of my humor being pretty low, with my other friends I was funny as shit. But with him, I was more interested in finding more info about him. All three of us would ask question about each other's crushes, which is so childish thinking about it, but i was always vague about my answers, and he never mentioned anything about him even having one as i recall.

         This is when I started getting mixed signals. Sometimes it would seem like he was trying to seem more cool around me others it seemed like he was annoyed by me. He asked me if I liked Alessia cara, and then said he liked her too, which is total bullshit cause why would he like her music as well, doesn't add up. But at the end of the year he told me he was glad he wouldn't see me again, and that I was annoying. Which of course “crushed” my soul. But also there was a big chance he was being sarcastic, or trying to be funny. Which was was a failed attempt in my opinion.

         Then after a summer of me hoping we would have classes in 9th grade, and constantly thinking of him, especially when I would hear any mention of crush, or boy: you know anything along those lines. And then after the first day of 9th grade, when I had come to the painful truth to find that I had no classes with him, and no bus ride together. I basically stalked him every time I saw him. Oh yeah, and i had no classes with his cousin either.

         Finally when I saw him starting to talk to another Asian girl with jacked up teeth like me, that was was the last straw that made me want to clock him in the face, whenever I saw him. But even still I thought of him frequently, I started gaining a crush on another guy on my bus, whom I'd never talked too. But for some godamn reason I still got a crush on him. Of course then I found my first crushes Facebook, and just like that bus boy was out of sight and and out of mind. Just when I thought I was recovered my addiction sprung up again. Still i think about how he would wear virtually the same outfit everyday, how stupid and cute he looked to me. I wanted him to really acknowledge me so badly, for him to just sneak glances at me. Now I'm hoping to forget about him and to find another victim to spring my stalkerish self upon.

         If you ever stumble onto this, just know I want to beat the shit out of you.