The Fifth Reason

Even from this distance I can see my reflection staring at me, beckoning me. "Come to me, come to me," it says, it's voice warm and friendly. I feel a tear leak out of my eye and slowly, very slowly it makes its way down my cheek then it drops. It drops down into the deep water below; I can see the ripples as my tear disrupts the surface of the aquamarine river.

"No!" I hear a panic stricken voice yell. This sudden noise causes me to slip, I start to lose my footing and just in the nick of time I grab onto the barrier behind me. My heart has now picked up its pace and it is now beating so fast that I cannot keep count. Looking up, I see a face distorted by tears, distorted by fear, but I recognise the eyes. Those piercing turquoise blue eyes. The eyes which have become my greatest friend, the eyes that have helped me through so much; these are the eyes of my best and only friend Amanda. Though I can immediately tell something is wrong, these eyes no longer have the spark of happiness, they no longer look joyful. Instead they are overtaken by grief, worry and fear. "No don't do it. Don't jump!" She calls again.

"WHY? Why should I?" My hand curls into a fist; my nails dig into my palm I don't care anymore, so why should she.

"You have a life, don't throw it away," her voice echoes through my head. Like her words go in through one ear then out the other.

"I don't see a life," I growl. Why is she intruding? If she wasn't here I would be dead already, I'd be happy there would be no more pain. 'So why have you not jumped? What is holding you back.' I ponder my mind's silent question, why haven't I jumped already? The only answer I can think of is that a small part of me is scared to jump. Even if this will be my salvation from life as it is. 

"Well you're standing, you're talking... So... Nope, definitely no life here," her sarcastic remark brings me out of my mind and back into reality.

"There won't be in a second," I say grimly while shifting my weight from one leg to the other - why am I feeling this way, feeling this anxious? I've known that this is the right thing to do for ages. I look away from her, back down at the water. 

"No!" I hear her say, her footsteps barely audible but I can tell she's moving closer. I look up, but don't look into her eyes. I can't bring myself to look into her eyes, instead I stare blankly ahead of me at nothing in particular. When she is close enough she slowly extends her hand as though the slightest movement might just send me over the edge, literally. "Please..." Amanda says.

"Why, give me a reason..." I say, confident that she doesn't have one because I can't think of any reasons so how would she be able to find one.

Amanda is silent for several seconds but then, after a moment longer, she speaks, "because of Emily," Emily. Yes Emily would be one of the only ones who might miss me. Emily my foster sister, the closest thing I have to family left. She's always seen me as the older sibling that she never had. She acts like she hasn't seen me for ages every time I come home, her hair in little pig-tails and a wide smile on her face. I almost smile thinking of her but people can be replaced and I'm barely the idealic older sibling. 

"She'll find someone else though," I say, convinced that this is true, Emily is adorable and would make anyone's heart melt, no doubt she could get an even better sibling than I. Lately I've been distant, cold towards her. I'll come inside and just go straight to my room. I know my actions have been affecting her, I know it because the last time I came home she didn't come downstairs. 

"She adores you, you know that." Amanda shakes her head, "do you realise how bad this would affect her if you went through with it?" She tells me, her voice breaking slightly.