It all started my sophmore year of high school. It was as if a thick cloud had engulfed me. My path was covered...I didn't know where to go...who to be...
I thought I knew who I was...
While most of my "friends" had been doing things this summer, I stayed home...I mean, what else was I supposed to do? I wasn't the type to invite myself places...and I didn't have a car to go anywhere I wanted...so I stayed home, usually in my room or downstairs alone.
Sometimes, you feel powerless. That's how I feel. Like I'm not good enought, like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's never going to be good enough.
You're head can be your own personal demon. You get trapped into thinking things you never thought you'd think, doing things you never wanted to do...but when you're in this dark of a place place with no light, it's hard to escape.
In my case, I was alone...I thought I had friends...but I quickly saw easily things could change. You think certain people are there for you and respect your privacy, and the next thing you know those same people have run off and told one of your secrets.
They were cut from my life, and I really was alone...
This year, I thought things were changing, I felt better...and slowly it was like I was falling all over again.
But I was falling in so many different directions, I was falling towards love, I was falling towards hate...I was falling deeper into the darkness with nothing to hold onto.
I don't know exactly when I fell, but I did. That's where my story starts.
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7:12 PM
August 28th
I dropped my bag in my locker, slowly looking around me at the people in the hallway, and stood very still.
I didn't know where to go really. I didn't know who I trusted...I really just wanted to go home and hide back in my room.
I headed straight for homeroom...it's not like I had anywhere else to go...and I didn't really want to interact with people.
It was the second day of school. I still had new classes...which meant I'd be seeing more people...maybe those same people from last year, maybe him.
Oh god, I don't know what I'd do if he was in my class. I wouldn't talk. I'd hide.
I'd be just fine. I could handle it. I handled it almost a year ago, I can handle it now.
I sat alone in homerooom...the usual girls sat and talked, everybody was the same except the new freshman...and homeroom was about five minutes long...
Which meant I had five minutes until my first AP class.
When the bell rang, I stood up, hugging my books to my chest and looked down at my schedule, finding Mrs. Campbell's room and slipped inside.
"You can sit wherever you'd like for now. I'll move your seats in a minute." She said, and I found myself smiling, nodding my head and just slipped into the closest empty desk.
I kept my eyes down the entire time...really unaware of what to do...
This year I wanted to be different. I didn't want to be known as the annoying obnxious girl anymore. I'd be quiet, and stay quiet. I'd make new friends. I'd be different.
The minute bell rang, and I stiffened a little, fiddling with the pages of my notebook.
I'd have to look up at some point. I knew that...I was just avoiding it. I was avoiding seeing someone that I got along with and saying the wrong thing, rubbing Mrs. Campbell the wrong way...or anyone else for that matter.
