Simply Nadia

Chapter 5

 Lucas escorted me to the sleek black vehicle and I mentally prepared for our usual routine. The one we had been doing for the past three months now. He wasn't really needed as a body guard anymore, things had died down within a couple weeks. But my Father kept him around for me as 'friend' but he was more like my 'babysitter'.

 He opened the door for me and I slid across the leather seat. Once I made room for him he set down beside me. He cleared his throat and he smiled at me.

Here it goes. 

"Nadia, I've heard about a lovely book store in Manhattan.." He began chattering on about how great the book store was and about how he could have the driver take us. 

"Lucas," I said bitterly as I looked out the window, "You know how this goes. I don't understand why you won't take 'No' for answer. So I'm going to say it again for the billionth time: No, I'm not interested in going to a 'lovely book store in Manhattan'. In fact, I'm not interested in going anywhere, except back home."

 'Home' as in the Brooklyn town house, back to my living quarters in the lowest floor of the house.

 This is the New Nadia after three months of living in New York City with my well- known Father, Daniel Wickham. I'm not sure what happened to me in these three months since my Mother's death. I went from being Happy/Shy/Dreamer Nadia to Numb Nadia when my Mother died, and since then Numb Nadia morphed into an even worse version: Numb and Bitter Nadia mixed up all together.

 If my Mother were here she wouldn't even recognize me anymore. I hardly recognized myself.  I dressed differently, walked differently, and talked differently. Everything about me was completely different.

 But maybe in some way Old Nadia was still around. She just never showed herself to anyone. I only saw and heard her. When Numb Nadia wrapped her blanket around me, I was aware of it. I just couldn't rip off the blanket no matter how much I wanted to. It was the same for Bitter Nadia, she was a force no one wanted to mess with. She was a hot fire that scorched my brain and tongue. When her words flew out of my mouth with out a care, I bit my tongue regretting what I had said for only an instant. Then after that Numb Nadia's blanket wrapped around me once more.

 I missed the Old Nadia. She was happy and kind and sensitive. She had dreams and aspirations. For every time in her life she wrote and wrote and wrote. She expressed herself in her writing. That is  the only time she truly over takes Numb and Bitter Nadia. So maybe deep down in some suppressed part of my brain Old Nadia is kicking and screaming to be freed from her prison cell.

 "Nadia?" Lucas said gaining my attention. "Did you hear me?"

 I wanted to make some sarcastic comment but he didn't give me the chance. "I asked you if you wanted to go to the public library."

 The New York Public Library. It was the only place I would go to in New York City on my own-free-will besides the townhouse. When I first saw the library I was in complete awe of it. It was the most beautiful building I had ever seen, let alone ever stepped foot in. Miss Canadian was taking me on a tour of the city the first week I arrived in NYC. That was before Bitter Nadia came around and it was just Old and Numb Nadia. 

 As soon as I stepped foot into Ester Hall I was in love. It was as if this overwhelming love and warmth wrapped it's arms around me told me I was at home. The room was wide and its arches towered to the ceiling. For some reason, a part of me knew this was a place my Mother loved. I could imagine her walking through the vast room and up the stair case, running her hands alongs the spines of books. I could feel her there. 

 Ever since that day the Public Library had become my weakness. It was where I felt the most like me. The Old Nadia, that was kicking and screaming inside me. It was the one place she was released from her cage and she expressed herself by reading and writing.