The Idiot's Guide to Writing Books for Dummies

The Introduction

This book is the ultimate guide in how NOT to create your novel. From my VAST experience as an author myself, I will expound on my own mistakes as well as ones made by other writers.
Every annoying thing that you have ever found in a book will probably be within these following chapters. I will write in a different character (under my pen name I. M. Stupid) as if all these terrible tips are good advice.

Here's the blueprint:

Chapter One: The Beginning
-Finding the Inspiration
-Finding character(s), plot(s), theme(s), setting(s), and a moral if you want one
-Making an Outline

Chapter Two: The Characters
-How?
-What?
-Who?

Chapter Three: The Plot
-Why?
-How?
-Which?

Chapter Four: The Setting
Settings are underrated. I have yet to see a story with no setting and I am curious if it can get done. Someone go write a story with no setting and then send it to me. If I like it, I'll dedicate my next book to you. That's a promise.
-Where?
-When?
-What?

Chapter Five: The Editing
-Who?
-For How Long?
-Why?

Chapter Six: The Publishing
-How?
-Who?
-Where?

Chapter Seven: The Finish
-Just a Few More Loose Ends...
-Party Time?
-And You're Done. Now What?

See? Looks like a helpful book for writers, no? You're right. It does. But it's not. The horrible hints I give and ghastly generalities will make all true authors cringe. Even as they laugh at the absurd advice.
Every generic plot line, cookie cutter character, and cliche twist are tossed within and jumbled up with other equally bad ideas.

Your job? Don't believe a word of the nonsense contained in the following pages...simply sit back and enjoy.

Sincerly,
The True Author
~Rebekah Eddy