The Idiot's Guide to Writing Books for Dummies

Chapter 1: Beginnings

So...I heard from a friend's cousin's sister's uncle's wife's brother's son's buddy's twin that you want to write a book.
Fabulous.
Like all people who want to write a book, you have no idea what you want to do. Well, I have good news, and I have bad news. I'll be nice and give you the bad news first: most writers are terrible and you're probably going to just add to the numbers of awful, mediocre, self-published authors out there. The good news? Don't worry, you're not alone! I mean, my middle name is Mediocre! (Literally guys. I'm dead serious about that. It's a fact.)
In other words, if you want to write a book, go ahead! Anybody and everybody can (and often do) write stories. Come on people...just admit it: it's really not that hard. What's so difficult about cramming a few characters together, making them work out something difficult...and then adding a love interest just because we can. And you know, have them be the only ones who have the ability to save the world that's about to be destroyed while you're at it. Just for kicks and giggles.

Igniting the Inspiration:
But, Ms. Stupid...how do I START????
Ah, I'm glad you asked. Here's a few beginnings that are perfect for starting out your story:
"Once upon a time..."
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
"In a hole in the ground there lived a..."
"DRAGONS! HELP!"
"Why am I writing this?"
"Feel my power."
"Oh my goodness. This story is so dumb. Who wrote this? This is complete trash! Oh wait..."
"Have some coffee. You're going to need it."

No, no, no! I mean, like how do I find the inspiration to write?
Oooooh. Well. You could have said that in the first place. Ahem. Ok. Here's the tricks to our trade: (Not necessarily in order)
Step 1) Put it off until you come up with the most perfect beginning you can think of.
Step 2) Scroll through Pinterest. And then keep scrolling. And scrolling. And scrolling. *start singing here as you scroll* I'm gonna scroll and just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling, scrolling scrolling, just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling scrolling scrolling...etc.
Step 3) Pin anything and everything that you think you MIGHT use in a story at SOME point in the future.
Step 4) Stalk your friends writing blogs (and get distracted by other stuff they wrote...don't forget to comment on everything or you will feel guilty afterwards.)
Step 5) This is possibly the most important step of all, so pay attention: SPEND WAAAAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET.
Step 6) Pick up a really interesting book (extra points if it's part of a series or is really long) and read until you can't keep your eyes open.
Step 7) But...guys...don't forget you have a life. Spend time with your family! Go out to lunch with friends! Celebrate something so you have an excuse to eat ice cream!
Step 8) Lose sleep over the fact that you've been trying to begin a story for over two months now and still haven't gotten around to it...
Step 9) Make yourself feel guilty about it until you are literally worrying yourself TO DEATH
Step 10) Start writing and let the words flow.
I know. I just let loose a huge secret to the world. All the authors are probably hopping mad at me for giving the 10 steps to finding inspiration to you guys because now you are fully armed and ready to crank out horrible stories like the rest of the amateur author world. Congratulations.

The Four Pillars of Writing:
Great. So I finally got some inspiration (the ice cream was delicious by the way...). Now what?
I'm glad you enjoyed the ice cream. Honestly, that's my favorite part of the whole writing process. "Now what?" you ask? Good question.
Now, my friend, you have to expound on your inspiration. You have an idea for a story budding in your mind but you aren't really sure what to DO with it. A random picture of a castle started it all, but now...well, now you're beginning to wonder if that perfect opening sentence "Once upon a time there was a castle" is really as perfect as you thought it was.
Well, there are four things that stories usually contain: characters, a plot, a theme, and a setting. (An author may or may not use their story to teach a moral...so keep the fact that your story might want one while you're reading this. You know, just in case. Better safe than sorry and all that.) You'll need these in your story. Don't worry, I'll go deeper into what to do with each of them in a later chapter. For now, I'll just say that I suggest only using three of the four writing pillars when penning a tale. Ignore the fourth one. (I mean who needs themes anyways? What service do they preform in a story? And plots? Don't get me started...#notneeded!! Characters? You could totally do without all the pain and embarrassment they bring you. Settings...well, I have a soft spot in my heart for settings. They can stay.)

That Big, Scary Monster We Call "The Outline":
W-what about t-the...*whispers* outline??
Guys, I'll be the first to admit to being a pure genius when it comes to outlines. They don't intimidate me in the slightest. Oh yeah, I could write outlines ALL DAY and never tire. How do I do it? Super easily. Here's a typical book's outline:

Title:
Author:
Chapter One:
Chapter Two:
Chapter Three:
Chapter Four:
Chapter Five:
Chapter Six:
Chapter Seven:
Chapter Eight:
Chapter Nine:
Chapter Ten:
(More chapters can be added here if you wish)
Afterword:
Acknowledgements:
Index:

Yep. Copy and paste. There's your outline. Oh, don't forget to add the chapter titles as you go and don't forget to add me in the acknowledge section or I will...do something but I'm not sure what quite yet. So beware.

Well, you've made it this far. Your book is ready and waiting to be written. The foundation is firmly planted in the ground. Let's take it to the next level, shall we?