Love me When?

It's been what? 8 years since nakaramdam ako ng tunay na kilig sa isang taong matatawag kong akin. Yung tunay na saya, ngiti at pagmamahal mula sa taong yun. Pero makalipas lang ang kulang isang buwan, parang isang shooting star na biglang naglaho nalang ng tuluyan.

4th year highschool ako noon nagsimula ang lahat. Ang talagang gusto niya is yung bestfriend ko, si Hershey na boyfriend si Lian. We belong to the same group of friends, it's just that I was aloof with boys during that time. Paano ba naman kasi, babae din yung kapatid ko as well as mga cousin ko so nasanay ako na puro babae lang ang nakakahalubilo ko.

Nagkakatext kami kasi uso pa noon ang GM (group messege) pero casual lang. Yung simpleng kamustahan lang at tanungan kung anong gimagawa ng isa't isa.

November that time nung medyo napalapit ako sa kanya kasi parang naging open kami sa isa't isa. Yung sa school, nagbibiruan na at inaasar na niya ako na crush daw ako ni Miggy. Siya daw ang magiging cupid namin. Naging open siya sakin tungkol sa mga bagay bagay like yung pagkakagusto niya kay bez ko. He even asked me if meron daw ba siyang chance kung manligaw siya kay bez. My only answer that time was, "Kung may chance ka nga kay Hershey, would you risk to that chance and break your friendship with Lian? MJ, alam mong Lian pursue Hershey when we were in first year and he waited 2 years to be with bez.
I also don't want to see my bestfriend in pain kasi alam kong mahal niya si Lian."

I dont know if he got what I meant pero ayaw kong makitang umiiyak ang bestfriend ko. After that, nagttext parin naman siya pero nakikitext nalang siya sa pinsan niya kasi nasira daw yung phone until December came. He asked me kung pwede siyang manligaw. I hesitated at first then I told him na ayaw kong gawin niya akong rebound but he pursue it. We became official February 1 pero I told him na secret lang muna. Yes, I loved him pero our relationship ended so fast. I ended it during our JS PROM because I secretly felt jealous and insecured to my bestfriend. That afternoon kasi, we went to the market para maghanap ng isusuot ko. I didnt bring my phone with me. Si bez dala niya yung cellphone niya. And then suddenly she told na nagttext sa kanya si MJ and he even asked kung pwede siyang maisayaw tonight. Hindi alam ni bez na bf ko siya so se gladly rwplied yes. He even asked her kung pwedeng siya nalang daw ang last dance ni bez. I really felt betrayed and jealous that time kasi he promised me na kami daw yung last dance. So nasaktan talaga ako. At that moment, I asked my bez kung pwedeng makitext and then I texted him. "Congrats, natupad din yung secret wish mo. Si bez ang last dance mo. I'm happy for you. So, let's end this. Goodbye. Rielle to. See you later." I made sure the message sent to him. I also texted him, "Dont worry, di ako galit. Wag ka na magreply babalik ko na cp kay bez."

During the night, when the program started, the emcee announced for the first dance. Yes I promised him to be my first dance but I was hurt and nakiayon ang tadhana. Naunang dumating sa harap ko si Miggy than him so I had no choice. I went with Miggy. Alam kong nasaktan din siya pero nasaktan din ako. For the last dance naman, he made sure na nauna siyang lumapit. Nagulat nga ako kasi alam kong si bez ang pupuntahan niya but he went to me and explain pero sa kagagahan ko, I didnt listen. And that ends everything.

After a couple of months, we graduated. Akala ko makaka move on na ko pero hindi coz I often see them in the university. Yes, we went to the same university during college. He, pursuing Engineer and I, pursuing Education. Buti nalang talaga at magkalayo ang department namin so di kami madalas magkita.

September of my Freshmen year noong nagkita kita kaming magkakaibigan sa isang gathering. Nalaman na din ng mga friends namin na naging kami. During that moment, tinutukso kami to be together again and we even ride a ferris wheel which is my first time. Ayaw kong sumakay dahil takot ako and ayaw ko siyang kasama at makatabi. Pero persistent ang mga kaibigan namin na tinulak pa talaga kami para lang makasakay. Alam niyo yung feeling na gustong gusto mong sumigaw and yet you cant. Very ironic pero totoo. I felt devastated, hurt, scared at kung anu ano pa. That night, he asked me kung pwede pang ayusin. I realized, I really love him so pumayag ako. We went well hanggang sa naging aloof na until naging wala na kaming communication. We never had a formal break up until now. Yes, we see each other sometime, kung may gathering like Alumni Homecoming pero parang wala na lang sa kanya. He also had different relationship during college based on what he posed in his social media accounts. So I concluded, he really ended ours without my opinion.

Present

Yes. Until now wala pa akong bf after him. I dont know kung mahal ko pa siya or what. Ni wala ngang nagtangkang manligaw o magparamdam sakin. Kaya I asked myself, ganun na ba ako hindi kamahal-mahal? Dont I deserve someone's love?"
Hanggang ngayon wala. I also asked myself and God, "Di pa ba ako nakakamove on?

The question that really bothers me every night is " Love me when?"

End.