Only a few more hours and you will be gone. I have to say that 2016 was a disappointment but it wasn't a total disappointment at least in my point of view. I have disappointed and embarassed myself a couple of times in this year.
Not only did I disappoint myself, I also disappointed the teachers, my friends, and my family but I'm not sure though maybe it's just the way I think. I feel insecure, lazy, and ashamed of myself. I can't stop comparing myself to other people who are better than me, I already know that there are gonna be some people who will be better than me whether it will be in looks, academics, art skills, social skills, and writing skills. I don't know why I couldn't stop comparing and I don't know when I'll stop.
Ugh, I am so pathetic. I couldn't even look at my own face when I look at the mirror or a picture. I lied to people too, I lied to them that I was fine, I lied to them that I was okay with they did to me, and I lied that I am happy and contented with my own flesh. These emotions, I want to pour it out but I can't. I also don't know why. I don't want to tell people why I am feeling this, heck, I don't even know why I am writing these stuffs to a public website.
Maybe I'm just sleepy that I don't know what I am thinking or maybe I am just tired from facing the same shit all over again. I actually don't know anymore. I want to sleep and never wake up. Also, I don't understand why am I feeling this way ever since I visited the guidance counselor. Things in my head has gotten worse. (No, I'm not going mental.) No one knows about this, not my family and not my friends. I don't plan to tell them because I am afraid of the unknown. I thought I had it together but it's all in my fucked up mind. The thought that I was fine, I was not afraid of what people thought of me and I was contented with my life.
I know I shouldn't blame a stupid number, these reasons of why the year sucked was because of my stupid actions. I should have thought of what will happen to me if I didn't do that or what will happen if I did do that but anyways, it wouldn't change because it's already written and it couldn't be changed. There are so many questions inside of my mind there is only one that stands out and it has been haunting me every now and then.
Why do you fuck up so much?
Why? I don't know either, everyone has been getting irritated of my lack of determination to work hard and stuffs. I don't mind the fact that they hate that side of me so much because I hate it too. This year has given me an emotional ride and it has given me so many challenges that I failed so many fucking times. I know, pathetic right?
I knew I shouldn't have laughed too hard and I shouldn't have smiled too much if I knew this was the price I had to pay.
In full honesty, (2016) you weren't so bad. I had some good times but they are all so blurry that I couldn't remember the specific details of what happened but the one of the best thing that has ever happened to me was when I decided to talk to my best friend, LazySleepingBeauty ,after a couple of months after I disappeared from Wattpad and Line. I was glad that she still accepted me as her best friend. I told her everything that happened and she understood.
(Eru, if you are reading this, I want to say thank you.)
She is and always will be my rock because when my friends in real life aren't around, she's there. I didn't mind the late replies. I didn't care if it took weeks or months. I was just so damn glad, she still replied to me.
After contacting her again, I saw that Cora-chan was announcing something. I read her announcement and I was interested in meeting new sports anime fans. I signed up to be a member and admin. I was glad that I was accepted then I met couple more people even if we only just begun to talk. I enjoyed their company because it felt warm and welcoming, something I haven't felt in a long time ago.
They are adorable, funny, and cute.These people below should have a good year even if I won't have one. I wouldn't mind, they deserve it much better than me. I'd give them as many good lucks they need in order to be strong to face the new year even some of them aren't close to me, I'd still wish them a good year ahead of them.
smallbunnychild
-maichai
izumi-yuuki
senpai-chann
alien-king
B-ball4ever
caIqIate
icetweaa
OoPureoO
Calintha
LazySleepingBeauty
Cora-chan
akaashii_
And I wish you, the person who is not in the tag list, to have a good year too. I know you are a good person and you can do better than me. You can learn from my shitty mistakes, I guess. Have a happy new year and stay healthy and happy.
