I awoke that cold morning on January 9th my eyes still tearful from the spirits of my past my demons cant hurt me but their visions can. I stretch my bruised and scarred hand out towards my face to wipe my tears away that stream my face like the endless current off despair inside of me.
Reluctantly i get out of bed and look my boney body over in the mirror before me critically i pick out every single imperfection i can lay my eyes upon and slowly the feeling takes over. The feeling of drowning, the feeling of not being wanted, the feeling of screaming and no one can ever hear you let alone care about you. It. Keeps. Seeping. In. Even though you try to keep yourself alive you the voices never leave your forever in your own purgatory.
Tore away from my heavy thoughts the ice of the shower hit my skin causing it to scream in its own way of relief. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes past before i went back to my room slumped down on my bed and thought about the day before me. It was a big day for me i finally get to meet him thinking like this made me feel sick to my stomach or maybe that was butterflies or maybe a mixture of both. I think to myself do i really want to go out with them today? There is a group of 5 they wont mind if i didn't show would they? But come to think about it I'm the one that knows everyone without me no one would know who to look for or how to act so i had to go and it was too late to cancel plans now. I throw on my jeans, long- sleeved shirt, socks and then make and attempt with my makeup my, trying to make my hazel eyes seem less tired and full of pain i throw on my liner and my fake lashes and then follow up with my dark red lipstick that flatters my fake smile and makes it more believable. Looking at myself in the mirror i start to go over lines of what i should say and how i should behave.
I look outside the window and notice the snow falling and the two magpies playing on the wall i smile softly having a bit more confidence for whilst remembering the rhyme my nanna used to sing to me as a little girl. I straighten my long dark hair put my money in my purse and my purse in my bag take one last look in the mirror while inhaling and exhaling vigorously, then whilst feeling sick and nervous with my palms sweating i shut the world out and turn the volume of my music up embracing the only happiness i'll ever have.
