Not Worthy Of Him

I Hate Mornings, School And People

I woke with a start when my phone vibrated itself off of my bedside table from my alarm. I started to panic for no reason thinking I woke up late for my first day of college after summer break. I reached down, turned off my alarm, and flopped back down in bed realizing I was on time.

God, I hate mornings.

I rolled out of bed and into my bathroom, almost hitting the door on my way in. I flipped on the light and instantly turned it back off after being blinded. Deciding to shower with the lights off, I opened the curtains for the warm morning light to come in. It was still bright but I quickly adjusted.

I turned on the shower and stripped. Before getting into the shower I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I quickly looked away trying not to look at my scars.

I have been going to Dr. Strom for three years now. It hasn't helped one bit. She isn't even good at it! She is only in it for the money but my mom insists I go. She says I need the mental help. If I did't go, she wouldn't care. She cares more about her work than she does me.

I tried to stop being so negative knowing it would get me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I failed.

I jumped out of the shower and threw on my cloths, grabbed a granola bar and ran out the door.

I was going to be late.

********

I forgot how much I hated school. It truly sucks.

It went like it always dose, me, sitting alone, in all of my classes. Then, I go to lunch and continue to sit alone.

Yup, thats right!

I have no friends.

All my friendships ended before I went to high school.

My best friend from Middle School and I went to the same High School. She never said a single word to me except bitch, for four years.

It doesn't really bother me now. I'm a loner and always will be.
                      ****
I walked into the room of my next class and started to sit. As my butt hit the chair I herd giggling from across the room. I looked over to see a group of girls pointing and laughing at me.

My face turned bright red with embarrassment and I tried to hide behind my hair.

WHY are they laughing at me?! I don't understand.

This always happens. Day after day, week after week.

I felt a tightness in my chest and my eyes went wide in realization.

I felt my panic attack building.
No no no, not on the first day!

I tried blocking it all out to comfort myself and think happy thoughts but nothing was working.

It was coming.

My devil was coming.

The panic was too strong, I couldn't fight it anymore.

I started to shake and whimper uncontrollably. Too much was going on. The girls were all talking and giggling, the boys were throwing a football around the room and the teacher was trying to talk above all of it.

I tried to get up and walk out as calmy as possible..... My butt was stuck to the chair. They put superglue on it again. That's why the girls were laughing at me.

I tried to get up again but just made myself look more stupid by flailing around like an idiot.

My panick was growing.

Here it was.

The panick was here.

I had to get up.

I couldn't stay here.

I puled as hard as i could and did it.

I got up.

But i didnt stay to see their laughing fases.

I got up and ran.

I found the perfect spot.

An empty class room.

I cried until I had no more tears.

I just wanted to go home and sleep.

I looked at my phone and saw I only had choir, my last class. I could do that. Singing helped me calm down.

I got up out of my corner and walked to the choir room, making a stop by the bathroom to wash my face and check my pants; they were fine! It was a miricle!

I oped the choir room door and stopped dead in my tracks.

Their were only a hand full of people in the room but I was not looking at them.

I was looking at the most beautiful man I had ever seen, sitting at the piano playing a wonderful tune.

As if he felt me staring, his head snapped up to meat my eyes.

Something flashed in his seemingly endless chocolate brown eyes.

His stare deepened and I held it for as long as I could but after a few seconds it snapped.

I felt like something had been stolen from me when our eyes broke. I didn't feel right.

Choir passed quickly with the beautiful man and I catching awkward eye contact every now and then.

At the end of class he approached me. He stood right beside me staring. I pretended I didn't see him but in truth I knew exactly where he was at all times.

"Hello, I'm Andrew.... I saw you earlier... running down the hallway. Are... are you okay?" He said.

My face red with embarrassment, I turned to face him.

"Y.... yes, I'm fine." I smiled as big as I could to hide my lie.

He wasn't buying it.

"Good."

That seemed like the end of our conversation so I turned to walk away but he stopped me.

"You never told me you name." He said.

I cringed but turned and spoke, "Alexandra. I have to go. It was very nice to meet you. Goodbye."

It looked like he was going to try and stop me again but I pleaded silently with my eyes then turned and went.

I left choir with a smile on my face, feeling better then I had in months.

I didn't want to admit it but I knew it was the beautiful pianoist who made me feel this foreign emotion.

                        *****