Breaking The Cycle

Get to know the story: First part

I have tried many times to write my story down, but writing things are hard. I don't know where to start because things have happened to me since I was at least three or four. It's hard to just write everything down without missing out on every important detail. But what the deal is, everything is important. So how does one write everything down? I still don't know how, but I've decided to start where everything blew over and my life changed for the best.

My mom finally broke. She said that we were going back to Honduras. I cried enough to have another pool in the neighborhood. I guess I have been gone long enough to not even care about my own country. Does that make me a bad person? Or a bad citizen of Honduras? I guess I grew to love my new country. I love America and it's so much better than Honduras, not that I would really know. I don't remember much from my own country. I just remembered that my parents were no longer together. My mom left my father, and now we live in America without my father.

Since she brought the whole we're moving back to our country, that caused me to break and hope that what I was about to tell my mother would stop her from making such a ridiculous decision. I have kept a lot from my mother because I didn't want her to treat me different. No, that's a lie. I was afraid she wouldn't believe me. I was afraid that I would mean nothing to her.

"You can't take us back." I plead. I was crying. What she said next, I didn't hear. I was too busy sobbing to really care. "Remember when you asked me if Juan ever tried anything with me?" I ask, I was too scared to come out and just tell her. So of course, already I was hesitating.

"Yeah." I sigh deeply closing my eyes hoping that she won't hate me. "He has." I know I have denied Juan ever trying anything with me. I love my mother, and Juan wasn't for her. No man is good enough for her. But of course, she has lousy taste in men. They tend to look at me like I'm fresh meat, I guess I really was. The men that come around me tend to see me as if I were a trophy to mess with.

"I have asked you so many times! Why didn't you tell me?" She says harshly as she hits the bed she's laying on. I can't see her since we're in the dark, but I could hear how frustrated she was.

"I was scared." In a way I was glad I finally told my mom what was really going on. I mean yeah I had doubted her because I have tried telling her before but she wouldn't believe me. She just brushed me off. Like I was lying to get attention or something.

"You should had told me." I could tell she was angry by the frustration in her voice. I was relieved but I wasn't alright. I was still not feeling alright. I still had a feeling of doubt.

So the night ended once I fell asleep and I was just dreaming, peacefully hoping life would get a whole lot better.

I woke up to no mom. She went to work, and I woke up to another day of school. I was still feeling something in the pit of my stomach and I knew that I had a lot of explaining to do to a lot of other people in my life. I hurried and got ready for school and hoped that the one I loved wouldn't judge me, that he wouldn't leave me. I needed to come clean. He has been suspicious about my step dad, he has an idea that something's going on, and me being me I denied it. I didn't want to drag him into this because I felt as if it were my problem and no body else's. I felt as if I was the only one to fix it because I felt like I had to fix it on my own. As if it were my fault to begin with. 

I got ready to go to school and wished that the day would fly by fast. I was already feeling anxious about me telling people about what I was about to tell them. Like how do you tell people your step dad has been molesting you? Of course, at that time I didn't know there was a word for that kind of thing. I just knew it was wrong, but I had grown so used to it that it became normal to me. Isn't that sad? Of course, I didn't know how bad it was until late in my middle school years. How did I learn it was wrong? I started to learn about rape, and I started to read a lot of different things online. Different books, different fanfiction and I started to question a lot of things.