Empty Shell

Chapter II

 

Chapter II    The Sweet Ending

 

     I finished my studies with flying colors but none to share with. I took up nursing as my college degree. Even though I am cold and some called me heartless they cannot drop me in the course because I am too good at my work. I am perfect some say but heartless nevertheless. On my third year while doing my OJT I met yet another guy that filled my empty heart and never did he empty it.

     He was assigned to me and he has a very contagious disease and also terminal that for someone to do a check up on him you need a lab gown, goggles, gloves and a mask. Very few wants to get the job, afraid to get caught on the disease but I volunteered. Maybe I should have let myself died in the first place so that I will never experienced emptiness. I can’t take my life away on my own then I thought this might.  After all what’s the reason to live? I even don’t know why I took up nursing. Maybe because in some way I can repay all the things I did in my life and when the time comes and God collects me I am somehow redeemed.

      He has the same name as my last boyfriend. The look he gave me when I first entered his room said that he is a charmer despite of his condition. His handsome and always has a smile on his face. I sometimes wondered if his jaw never hurts for the so many days it was stretched by his smile. He always teases me, always pointing out I look like a zombie but always making his smooth mouth talks when I began to get angry. At first it annoyed me, but I never show it, somehow he gets some reaction from me, that he can easily get my attention. And that makes him celebrate that I can’t help but smile. It felt foreign but it’s not uncomfortable. It is another first again after a long time. My walls are crumbling right before my eyes and I can’t rebuild fast enough.

     This boy who is on the verged of death, who also has every right not to die with his happy and carefree attitude to aid him in the future filled the empty shell at my left side of the body.

     One day I just see that everything seems to come back to me: the will to laugh, the will to smile, even the will to cry and the will to be angry. I sometimes become reckless because of so many emotions that I forgot to put on my lab gown on my excitement to talk to him.

     Days passed and I see him suffer and with that I suffered with him too. He began to blame himself that he is causing me yet another hurt but I cannot think like that. It is all thanks to him that I can experience all of this again and to make me realize I still have some right to be like this.

     I never realize my heart filled again but not with agony but smile and further down fear. I knew he wouldn’t last. He also knew that. Despite of that I can’t make myself leave his side even distant myself to avoid the numbness it will cause after he will be gone forever when I cannot see his smile or his teasing. He tried to push me way knowing what his death can cause me after all his effort on putting my heart back in place.

     I can’t go away now. I knew if I go then I will feel suicidal. I am sure I cannot handle this third one. How can a person handle so much loss this much in her still young life? With that reason he just let me be there at his sick bed and never let me see the pain he is going through.

     I never noticed that I also caught the disease until one day I suddenly collapsed and was immediately diagnosed of it. It is more advanced it seems. I was put the same room he does. It never bothered me that soon I may die according to the doctor I have more or less a week or so. I will accept death anytime now.

     This news greatly saddens him but I refused to be put down. I told him that maybe this is the time that God would end the sorrow I felt. At least in when time comes she would not be left alone again but be rejoined above. It almost made me laugh that my life would now come to an end when the disease took over. Maybe when this happens when I am still on those dark times I would never be happy but afraid or worst numb.

     We made a promise to each other that we would wait for each other at the other end. And with that my last days are the happiest of my life.

     Our conditions are beginning to become critical and we can felt death looming in the shadows. He goes first after a few more hours of joking and laughing. The only signal is one deep intake of breath then flat line. We told them never to try to resurrect us anymore for we would only come back to pain. We would accept death open arms and greet God with a smile. He let me cry but told me to stop after a few minutes.

     I am only waiting now. I can feel the exhaustion seeping inside me and I am not fighting it anymore. With one last flatter of my heart after the loud laughter that slip my mouth, I closed my eyes and when I open it up again bright light welcomes me.

     There at the end of the path a silhouette I am not mistaken belongs to my savior and to my life waiting with his arm outstretched waiting to be reunited at once. I close the distance and get his hand. He intertwined it with mine and flashed a smile. He said I love you and I replied I love you too.

     We walk to where God and His angels are waiting for our arrival ready to start life in this eternal time.