Selcouth

Hiraeth - part four

Tuesday: group session.

I always hated group session.

'Thank you for coming today!' Ellie says.

Ellie has a sharp but cute nose and dark short hair with a pony. She wears glasses but it suits her face. Today she is wears a dress with Swiss polka dots. I think she is about 30, but she looks like 20. Also, she is always enthusiastic, always happy. How does she do it?

Ellie looks around in the small circle of people. Smiling, of course.

'Who would like to start today?' No one seems to be willing.

'Anyone?' I keep my eyes fixed on the ground so she won't pick me.

'Sarah, you maybe? How was your week?' Dang it.

'Alright I guess. I went back to school a few weeks ago, everything's all fine. Even made some friends...I think.' I come clean. Ellie knows when you don't.

'Really? Oh how wonderful!' She claps with her hands and sounds delightful.

'Everyone! How good of Sarah to overcome her fears, right?'

The zombies in the room nod. Some clap. I do that too when somebody else is talking. We're all zombies. Group sessions go on and on and on and at one point I always start daydreaming. Ellie shakes my shoulder when the session is finished.

'You should really pay more attention, Sarah. You might learn something from all the other stories.' Ellie looks disappointed at me.

I should. I shouldn't. I will only feel more miserable because I can relate too much. And then I have to think about it again and – no. I'm not going there again. I look Ellie in the eye. She sees my pain.

She looks right through me. I feel vulnerable and start tearing.

'Oh, honey.' She settles herself in the chair next to me and wraps her arms around me.

'You're going to be fine. I promise.' Worst thing to say.

Never say the first sentence in the first place. How'd you know that? Maybe I am not going to be fine and then you gave me hope for no reason. I know it seems like it's not a big deal, but it is. So. Never. Say. It. Again. Please? I do not say it out loud to her. I let my tears flow like a river. I whisper a tiny thank you, but I do not think she heard it.

My sister takes me home again after my session with Ellie. First always group session, then I daydream, Ellie wakes me up and then she and I have a 'chat'. She calls it that way. It's just another session, but then private and more detailed.

'And, what did Ellie say? What does she think caused the blackout?' My sister asks.

I shrug. 'She didn't say much. She thought it was because of stress from school and all these new people around me et cetera. Nothing bad really.'

My sisters mouth twitches a bit.

'Hey, I am okay, really.' I say. She looks at me sideways.

'What do you remember of the blackout?' She asks.

I think for a bit.

Nothing.

Wait, something.

Blood. Cold concrete. A familiar voice. That's it.

I tell her.

'Do you remember who it was?'

No I didn't. Did I?

'He said you went to school with you. Same class or something. I believe it was, uh, Geography?'

WHAT...my heart skips a beat. I didn't want it to skip a beat.

'What did he look like?' I ask with caution.

'Dark hair and eyes, fair skin, quite tall. Muscular. A killer smile.' My sister smiles.

'You're becoming red! You're blushing!'

Oh. My. God. I am not blushing about this boy.

I quickly put my hands on my cheeks. They are glowing. Shite.

'So, who is this boy? Y'like him, huh?' And suddenly my sister is back like she used to be.

She is back to before. I am back to before. Before anything happened. When we were best friends and never argued. She and I, always together. I told her everything back then. Before John. She apparently is not that mad about my blackout anymore.

I love it. I take my chance. I missed her. I missed this.

'Frankly. I do.' And I remove my hands of my cheeks.

She looks so surprised, her mouth half-open and eyes wide. I have to remind her that she is driving a car. I laugh. She laughs. It feels good. When did we stop doing this?

'He can come over aaaaany time, Sarah.' She winks while looking sideways.

I giggle.

'I missed this.' I state. Out of the blue.

'I did too, sweetie. I did too.' She says after a while. She puts her hand on mine.

'Let's go home, together.'

Thanks for reading part four. I know it's shitty, but I have a bit of a writers block. That is also why it took so long to upload, apologies! I love you all and I hope you are having a wonderful day. XX