Harlequinne

- ribs -

"How about we laugh until our ribs get tired?" you said, breaking the comfortable thick air of the room. I still kept my eyes fixed on the rain rolling down in sheets outside.

"That will never be enough." I said quietly. You breathed in, you were going to say something again but just nuzzled your head back into the crook of my neck.

Your breath fanned my skin, the downpour kept pouring.

I know you were just trying to lighten the mood but I couldn't just ignore the fact that you dropped the admission that you weren't really staying for a week, you were leaving that night. It was for selfish reasons I wanted you to stay and selfish reasons for why I was upset with you. I suppose I haven't changed all that much: always wanting something for a bit longer than is rightfully mine.

You lifted your head slightly and whispered into my ear, "I find the rain to be healing."

"Hopefully it is." I said a little breathlessly. You tilted my head so I would have to look up at you. I didn't want you to see the greed and disappointment inside so I just averted my eyes, but not before we made contact and you saw the brimming tears. "Don't be sad." you said in a worried tone as if your voice uttering those three words would just so easily stop it.

Oh if they could so easily stop it.

Over the years your voice has assured me time and time again but I can never fully stop something at your command.

I wiggled out of the bed, out of your embrace, and made my way across the floor to the tea kettle. The wood was unnaturally cold or maybe the remaining fact that soon this appartement would be occupied with one less person again made me freeze all over.

I go through phases. Somedays I feel like the person I'm supposed to be, and then somedays, I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you are still willing to be near me.

This morning, however, you saw me and my hopes were shattered. Did I do something to give it away?

I felt you staring at me.

All I knew was that you weren't going to stay like you promised. I'm okay with you leaving; it happens so often. It's just that you had me deceived and I felt cheated somehow.

My ribs were getting tired from holding in all I wanted to say to you. As if what I had to say would convince you to not go ahead with what you were planning. I've found that you're unabrasive and polite but once you're set on your way, you really don't give a shit about what anyone has to say. It is a quality I have come to both admire and loathe at times.

"Are you mad at me?" you said so quietly I almost didn't hear you. I turned my head slightly in your direction and retorted "I don't know whether to me mad, sad, or both."

I turned my attention back to preparing the tea and heard you ruffled the sheets.

I have learned that when you ruffle the sheets, you ruffle your hair, and you ruffle your mind. Gathering up the courage to say or do something. I find it odd, but it's your quirks and nuances that make you real. If not, I'm sure you would have have floated off already.

Your feet landed on the floor with a thud and you softly padded over to where I was standing, like treading a little bit heavier would bruise the floor. I turned around and you sucked in a breath. Your ribs inflated and your butterfly tattoo spread its wings a little bit too.

"I don't want to leave you." you told me and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Your hand coming near my face caused me to close my eyes and a shudder shook me slightly.

You noticed.

"But..." I said. "But what?" you said, your eyebrows furrowing. "Don't act clueless. You're going to leave anyway and you never really care about me enough to tell me these things. My flat is just a rest stop for you before you jet set to England again." I let out, and could feel my ribs begin to ache.

You looked pained, as if I had just slapped you across the face. At that moment i felt l'espirit de l'escalier. I couldn't stand you looking at me like that so I quickly side-stepped you to get to the bathroom. Before I could make it anywhere, you grabbed my wrist and spun me around. "Why would you think that?" you said, visibly hurt. I chewed on my bottom lip and you continued, "I love you." I closed my eyes, "I honestly do care about you and I knew this was going to be a problem. I can't ever stay in one place for too long and it pains me to see you this way. Stop, don't cry," you wiped the tear that had escaped. "I'll be back before you know it." you smiled sadly at me. And gone before I know it, too, I thought to myself. I looked up at you and out at the Paris rain. You just stood there patiently with both of my arms in your hands waiting for me to say something.

As much and as loud as I may talk you know me well enough to know that I am most times the most eloquent when I say nothing at all. 

I looked back up at you and leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss you. You met me halfway and we shared a gentle, quiet moment. 

There have been many gentle, quiet moments we have shared since then but right there was the point where I decided not to be sad that you leave so much and to just breathe you in. We have laughed until our ribs have gotten tired and I'm so happy to have you. All of you.

I looked straight into your eyes and said, "Come lie with me. We'll find new colors in the shadows on the ceiling. We don't have to think about anything."

~ Quinne ❃