I feel my eyes burn as I'm still stuck in my trance. Still following the same thing on my fan. Still comforted by the whomp, whomp, whomp, of it. I feel a single tear escape my eye and run to the side of my face. I immediately and forcibly rub it aw...
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1::Crumbling Facade
I moaned in aggravation at the happy and bubbly song that is my alarm. I roll over to the side of my bed. I pick up my alarm clock and switch the button off, and get off from the bed. I got up and glared at my desk. I read the note I put in front of my bible: don't forget to read and have a nice day! I ignored it and grabbed everything I needed for a shower. Clothes, undergarments, lotion, and after much hesitation my blade.
First day back to school from winter break must be interesting. Everyone dressed their best and bragging about all the gifts they got. I don't like nor dislike school at all. I just oblige with the law and my parents make me go. My winter break was fine. Talking to some people from school every once in a while. New years was spent at church with my family and Christmas was spent opening gifts with everyone first. Then retreating to my room when we had visitors. Opting out for more social working. My usual safe haven, but it's personal no longer.
My sister came to visit and is staying for two more weeks until her semester starts again in mid-January. A few days after my birthday. She's often in there taking up most of the space on the bed and reading, or barking out orders harsh enough to hurt my feelings. She never thinks about how it would hurt me, or many pegs she knocked my self-esteem down. She never did notice that right after she'd yell at me, I would retreat to the bathroom with my fists balled holding my blade and stayed there crying my eyes out. If she knew then she didn't care. Which I would expect. No one would care If I cut myself. Who would? and why would they?
After gathering everything I needed for my shower, and then some, I stripped and found myself in the tub with the cold water running down my head and back. Letting it go through my hair. I felt like a stranger looking into my own life as I saw my face in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes, my eyes were red, and my curly bangs kept falling in front of my eyes. I found myself sitting on the bathtub floor with my blade in my hand after finishing my shower. I placed my blade on my forearm and pressed it down till I felt a pinch. I felt knots form in my stomach as guilt took over my thoughts.
Should I do this? I want to. It's not wrong to do something that makes me feel good, is it?
No, it's not.
Without giving it another thought I dragged it across my skin swiftly 4 times. I got up and let the water rinse it away. I mentally scream at myself as the cold water stings the fresh cuts with blood bubbling towards the top. I never really want to cut, But I can't stop myself from doing so. I can never convince myself to not do the dirty deed.
I get out of the shower, dry off, lotion, and start to dress for school. I opted out the short sleeved collared white shirt my mom got me for a white long sleeved white sweater. Then I put on navy blue tight fit pants I owned and put suspenders hanging low on my pants. I never actually wore it all the way without tucking my shirt in. But I don't do that often. I hated the schools with white and navy blue uniform but followed the same color scheme often anyway.
