A Second Chance

There I was sitting, in a circle with a bunch of strangers. Talking to one another about the mistakes they've made, mostly things like alcohol and drugs. But my mistake was different compared to all of there's, my mistake can never be spoken of.
"I took that bottle and looked at it. Questioning if it was worth it to drink, when I'm supposed to take care of my baby girl. I looked at my little girl, playing with her colorful blocks. With her black, curly, hair, and those big beautiful eyes. A tear started running down my face as I opened the lid and drank the alcohol as it were water. I couldn't stop drinking." said the women sitting next to me, crying.
"Thank you for sharing," said the leader of the group, handing the women a tissue. "It's your turn to share Sarah." She looked at me with her dark eyes. The whole group quickly faced me, expecting me to say something like "I did cocaine in a school."
I took a deep breath, and leaned forward. Placing my elbows on my knees, I looked down at my hands.
"Any day now," said a teenager sitting in the corner, with piercings and tattoos on her face.
"Please," replied the leader placing her hand on the teenager's knee. The teen rolled her eyes.
I looked up at the group, "I heard voices in my head one night," I said as I began to tear up. "It's nothing different, that is what usually happens when you take a hallucination. But I didn't take anything that day." I started to cry. " With every breath I took they just got louder."
The whole group scooted closer, as if I were just telling them a bedtime story. The teenager finally looked somewhat interested.
"If you didn't know this already I had three kids. Their names were Toby, Alley, and Katie. Their father was out working, and I was supposed to be watching them." I said rubbing my nose. "They were in another room playing." I look down to my hands, and prepare myself for what I am about to say. "I shouted, "What do you want from me?" to the voices. Hoping that whatever they wanted me to do would make them shut up."
I breathed in, "It was kind of fuzzy on what they were saying, but I eventually figured out what they wanted."
"What did they want?" interrupted the teenager mindlessly.
"Alicia, please." Said the leader.
"They told me to prepare the bathtub with hot water. So I did. Then they said..." I say cutting mid sentence, crying harder.
"Here," said the leader handing me a tissue. I take it and wipe my tears.
"They told me to put my kid Toby in the tub." I say placing my hands on my lap, while looking at the group. All their faces went blank, knowing what I was going to say, but not wanting to admit it.
"I tell Toby that it is bathtime, hoping that he cooperates. He follows me to the bathroom, and I put him in fully clothed. Then a single voice says to me, something terrible I start to scream. Telling them that I didn't want to do it."
"Oh my..." said the woman sitting next to me.
"What did they want you to do?" said Alicia.
"They wanted me to drown my kid," I replied. "but it was the only way to make them stop screaming at me; they threatened me. That they would do it to Toby if I didn't do it myself. I looked him in the eyes, and told him that I loved him." I started to cry harder and harder, I couldn't contain myself at this point.
"I start to put Toby's head down, he starts to resist me. I tell him that everything will be okay." I take a second to breathe. "I place his head under the water, his eyes shoot open when he starts to loose his breath. He starts to move around in the tub, trying to pry me off. He opens his mouth, and starts to scream. I put my hand on his mouth and close my eyes. When I feel his body losing strength I look at my baby. I see Toby closing his eyes and drifts off to a never ending sleep."
The woman next to me places her hand on me knee, I look at her in the eyes. I see her tearing up, I didn't expect that reaction.
"I lift Toby's head, and put him in my arms. I scream, begging God to bring him back. I start to hear the voices again, I didn't want to listen to them anymore. They threatened to do it themselves. I was begging them, but they took over, They had complete control over me." I wipe the tears off my face the the tissue.
"They made me drown Alley and Katie, I couldn't fight them, they were stronger than me." I look at the leader of the group. "If I would have fought them back just a little harder, maybe just maybe. I would've prevented that from happening." I look out the window, and see a mother holding her son's hand.
"I can't change what happened, and I can't fix it. I can't go back in time and tell myself to fight those mother fuckers. If only I had a second chance, to make everything right again. I loved them, and now they're gone." I look back at the window, I see the mother and the son laughing. I feel a tear run down my cheek.