I remember being happy.
I can imagine myself sitting on the porch in my old home, when my parents were still together, when my friends were still here. And I remember being happy. I hadn't cried a lot back then because there was nothing for me to cry about.
I loved my life, I loved myself, I loved everyone around me - or at least I tried my best to. The thought of always putting my best foot forward was constantly in the back of my mind, and I tried to keep up with it. But sometimes our thoughts get the best of us.
As my childhood came to a closing it seemed that the good years did as well, and as family began to deteriorate and friendships were lost in the fog of college years, I began to lose myself. It's like high school ended and something just turned off inside of me.
There are parts of me that I wish no one to ever see. An unexplainable amount of mood swings and self-hatred when I'm at my worst points, sometimes even when I'm trying my best not to show it. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the next time I went to sleep I just never woke up. I find myself crying on long drives home wishing that for once the fucking nagging in the back of my mind would shut off, or that when something good does happen I can smile.
I feel as if I'm watching myself through a glass screen, making all the wrong decisions and watching my world implode on itself because of my wrong-doings. I can put my palm up to the cold glass and feel it shake under my fingertips, but I can't do anything to stop it. I'm a sad 19 year old mess, a crumpled pile of bad ideas thrown on the bedroom floor that no one ever bother to pick up.
I know it's not healthy. I know that listening to Max Richter's "On The Nature of Daylight" isn't making me feel any better, and I know that things need to change. But I'm terrified to stick out, to make the change that needs to be made because I fear that the judgements will be too strong and myself too weak. But I need to change, like daylight rises from the east I'm going to start again.
So this is my story, from day one of healing to the end. I'm not giving up. The gift of life is too great for me to ignore any longer because I've already lost so much time. I won't give up.
