My story probably isn't unique, but things have forever changed for me since death has knocked on my door. My feelings toward Heaven have changed and a desire to make sure that I make it there is apparent more now in my life. I was so passive about things lately, just letting life pass me by and not making any serious decisions. I've looked at my life and a bucket list has formed. There's things I want to accomplish before I die. One of them being in love to the point where I can hardly breathe. The type of love that you see in the movies, or read about in the novels. I've been married almost 19 years now and can't say that i've had that experience. I also want to learn more about everything. There are so many things I want to know about first. I don't want so much of my time to be getting up, working, cleaning and going to bed and starting all over. I want to learn more about people, the animals I care for and just subjects in general and I can't do that if i'm complacent about my life. My sister was a prime example of one who lived a full life. She travelled, she went to school, she had children and a great marriage. She was a chef, a care-aid, a mother, a decorator, painter, wife, and traveller. She learned and loved life so much. She was taken from us so young, at 31 but had lived and learned more than I have in 39. She embraced her differences and the people around her and was able to love with abandon. She is someone that I want to be like in many ways and since her death, I think about what I can do to change the world around me like she did.
I feel as if this is the medium to purge those things in me that have kept me from following my dreams. Accepting myself and being comfortable with who I am has always been a struggle and because of that I have laid down many things I shouldn't have. I have allowed criticism and hurtful words to wound me over and over until I have become only a shadow of who I was. Now my shadow self has forgotten how to write down my thoughts and how to be creative. I used to paint, write poetry, make things out of ceramic pots and do all sorts of artistic things. I even helped with murals for a while. I wrote plays and stories... I need to get back into it again and remember who I am. I have stood up to a significant person in my life recently and it has empowered to me to move forward, purge these feelings of inadequacy and weakness and begin to stand up for myself. I refuse to be a doormat for people to step on any longer.
