Lost at Sea |

II.

James ignored his friend's mumbled comment as he placed his open beer bottle on the tv stand, and wrapped the towel once fisted in his hand, around the column of his neck. Taking a glance at himself in the mirror that hung above the desk in the corner, James cringed at the image staring back at him. It looked as if he hadn't slept in three weeks, bags under his eyes and hair that looked like it had lost a fight with a blow dryer. His once beach blonde locks had now turned a slightly copper, dirty blonde hue with the lack of sunlight he was exposed to due to constant touring. That was also evident in his lack of tan, and dark circles under his eyes that needed two layers of....what was it called?? cover up?? Concealer?? Before show time each night.

James tore his gaze from his reflection in the mirror, and reached down to toss the remote to the TV towards Isaac who was now sprawled on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

"Pick whatever you want to watch, I don't care." James announced before opening the door to his bathroom, and twisting the shower knobs. He the door close behind him, making sure to twist the lock before stripping the rest of his clothes off, kicking them to the corner of his bathroom. If this were back at his apartment that he shared with Isaac, he would've felt a stab at his conscious for neglecting to pick his clothes up. He also would've reminded himself to bring extra towels to avoid leaving too many puddles after his shower. In his personal opinion, he'd shared a bathroom with each one of his band mates over the years and they collectively seemed to leave the bathroom a mess. But of course, James always gets the bad rep for turning the bathroom into sea world, which he personally thought was an over exaggeration.

James reached one hand into the shower to test the temperature of the water shooting out of the head before stepping in, and releasing a sigh of content at the pleasant sensations. He let the warm droplets run down his back, easing the stress building in his back caused by his strenuous schedule, and equally as daunting....significant other. He guess that's what he could refer to her as from now on, however, after the events that transpired in the last twenty minutes he wasn't even sure that could suffice. James knew that he should be feeling some sort of loss or disappointment directed at himself with leaving things the way he did between them, but he really couldn't find it in himself to feel much of anything towards her. Which James found particularly odd considering they weren't always bickering back and forth like petulant children, he'd had some good times with her. He would even go as far as to admit that he spent some of his favorite moments on tour with her.

But he would never love her.

He knew it from the moment they met, which perhaps could've been what attracted him to her in the first place, well that and her obvious physical attributes that demonstrated clear beauty. But he couldn't seem to point out what it was exactly about her that made him so sure about his inability to feel anything more for her besides affection, and attraction. It might've been small things like the way she slept so far away from him when they'd fall asleep together or how she pours the milk first and cereal second. Whatever the cause was, their falling out wasn't a total loss. Sure, James would feel weird about it for the next few days and then dust himself off before finding another girl to waste time with.

James wasn't sure what was wrong with him. Why he refused to find someone he could truly open his heart up to, and feel comfortable around. Someone who would let him wake them up at 3 AM to listen to him play a melody on the guitar he just thought of. Someone to spend all day in bed with, not even doing anything sexual, but simply just hanging out. Someone who could challenge him to be better, and push him to be the person he's capable of being. James could practically feel his body yearning for someone like that, and he knew that if he really tried maybe he could find her. But that's where his fears come in, at the possibility of finally finding that person he loves more than anything only to see them maybe twice a month. He knew that if he ever did find that one person made for him, he knew he wouldn't be capable of keeping them around because he'd fuck it up. That's what James does when he gets too comfortable, and let's someone in-they both usually end up disappointed.