Have you ever had to choose between something that will destroy you now or destroy you later. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay quiet. I put on my happy face all the time because I know the real me will hurt so many people. It is said we have 3 different people inside of us; the first self is one your friends see, or acquaintances I should specify. The second self is ones your close inner circle see, that could be your family, spouse or kids. Finally your third self, the one that scares me the most. This self is your inner self, the one you see when you look in the mirror. All of these selves see you differently, all of them have different personalities and different roles in everyday life. Now I've gotten pretty good at hiding most of these selves from people. Maybe not hiding... more like masking them with the self that I want people to see.
Now my third self scares me, more than anything in the world, I don't let anyone see it. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see it that often because mentally I have pushed it so far back... When people ask me whats wrong, and they often do, I don't even know how to respond, it gets to a point where I physically don't have the words to describe exactly what is going on. Do you know how it feels to not know what the hell is wrong with you... When I go to see the doctor, the shrink, my family.. I have managed to not even have to think about an answer to how I am, my mouth moves before my mind can even think. "I'm Fine"... My psychiatrist has the same conversation with me every time I visit. "How are you feeling?" "Good" (even though I don't think good can describe how I feel ever). "Have you had any thoughts of suicide?" "No" (I mean technically I think about it every day, but not to off myself, I think its pretty stupid and too easy.. whatever pain I feel walking this earth is deserved.. I deserve to suffer...so yeah no). "How have you been sleeping?" "Good" (does 3 hours count?). "Have you hurt yourself since I've last seen you?" "Nope" (not that you can see anyways). "How have your pills been working?" "Good" (Well I don't feel any better.. but I guess I don't feel worse. Fuck it lets just take pills the rest of my life, if I am crazy might as well act like it). "That's great" (yay). Throughout this entire conversation my mouth is moving and the answers are coming out before I can even think. My third self can't let anyone know I'm broken. Now I know it seems like I'm venting and eventually I'm going to fess up and say what is wrong with me but sorry, I still don't know. I have no fucking clue why I am this way and I don't think I ever will.
Back to the destroying part at the beginning, and no It's there for a reason and It's not just some fancy hook. I have made A LOT of decisions in my life, as many of us have. Mine have never been easy, I mean the first hard decision I had to make was whether or not I wanted to tell people that one of my 'friends' had decided that no wasn't good enough and I secretly meant yes. Yes, I am talking about rape, good job catching on. I mean thinking back it felt like a pretty easy decision, I was pathetic no one at school liked me or even spoke to me. Teachers ignored me because I just sat in the back, keeping my head down trying so desperately not to be seen. My parents you ask? oh yeah, no fucking way. TO THIS DAY, I tell my parents nothing.
OK enough of that sob story. I made a decision to fall in love at 14.. and yes you may tell me at 14 I have no clue what love is and it was just a crush or whatever you call it. Unfortunately (big surprise) IT WAS FUCKING LOVE. No surprise here though, my parents hated them, yep, I should have listened. But instead I had been running away for awhile before this and it had gotten worse, any chance I could to be with them was good enough. So blah blah bah, lovey dovey crap and continue, I moved out! Because you know that's the fucking rational thing to do at 14. Anyways, back to the love, It was great for about 2 years, now I'm already a shy kid and a freak at this point because my arms are either covered in markers or in blood, but aside from being a nobody I wasn't all that good looking either. Now when you add all these things up, you get the lovely combination of hating yourself and surviving high school alone. I had a small group of friends that I would bounce around in but even in the group I was the quiet one who no one spoke to because it honestly didn't matter what I had to say. I was in no way desirable (this is where it gets good). In this relationship year 1 and 2 were great, year 3.. holy shit. My depression went from about a 5 to a 99 just like that, I wouldn't let my him touch me, console me or even look at me sometimes. I absolutely hated myself. I started adding more scars to the collection of 'Lets make my body look worse so that no one will ever love me again'. Boy did that work. After the constant arguments and the feeling I did when Mr. 'don't take no for an answer guy' from the past started coming back. He was making me feel weak. Blah Blah Blah we fought we broke up he left me continue.
