What do you see?
What do you see when you look in the mirror, when you look into someones eyes, when you look at me.
No matter what people say, the first thing that a person looks at about another person is them, as a whole. Looks come first, always. Mentally, everyday becomes very difficult when all you can think about is how people see you. Is anyone confident when they look in a mirror? I know I'm not. Call it whatever you want; a challenge, a warning, a threat, either way I AM FRAGILE, everything you do and say WILL be used against me.
Staring hurts, compliments hurt, touching hurts, standing next to you hurts, things you don't even say but I think that your thinking HURT. You could literally say hello to me and I will sit for the next hour thinking about what that meant and what you saw and what you were thinking and all of these terrible things that I really don't want to be thinking about. But despite my efforts I have decided to give in to the world or self hatred and depression. Me-0 Demons-1.
How do you, scratch that. How do I fix this, how do I fix me? I want to take an eraser to my body and fix everything that isn't right and to be honest thats a hell of a lot.
In my past relationships you know what made me feel sexy or maybe at least forget about how I look, sex. I would use that as much as possible because to me if someone wants to have sex with you then that means you are at least valuable in that sense. But take all of that away and I am nothing. He isn't the sex type, and honestly that just makes me feel like its me who's not the right 'type'. So now I am under the belief that I am not good enough to look at, to touch or to admire.
It feels like a chore, knowing that you don't like it, makes it feel like your just pushing through it. What are you thinking about, anything but me I would assume. You are all I have, and yet the thing you do but don't know, make me feel so small. WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF AND THEY LEAVE THE BED AS IF THE JOB IS DONE, IT KILLS. I need those 5 minutes, those 2 seconds. I don't think I'll ever be fixed... How can you fix something when you don't know how, or what may be wrong or even where to start. Where do you start, I hate how the end seems so so so.. much... easier.
Good-Bye
