Storys And Stuff

Moving

I've never been good with moving... It always starts with me entering a state of numb sadness.

The first time we moved I didn't care much for leaving my school or friends behind. Considering I didn't really have friends in school. I was sad about leaving my home. At first it was sad but it actually turned out great. I made friends. Something I lacked all my life.

Now I don't care about moving houses, I only care about leaving my friends. I don't want to leave them. They're one of the only things keeping me sane.

I have now entered that sate of numbness. But not numbingly sadness.. Its now

Numbing Depression

Sure I've felt like that for the past two years. Low self esteem, sad thoughts, wanting to Starve myself.

Im pretty good at holding back tears when it comes to looking at how ugly I am. My sad thoughts? I'm used to it now. Starving myself? I try not too but lately I've been eating less.

And the numbness in my emotions and body dont help...all the food that enters my mouth now taste like nothing just calories, it leaves nothing but the taste of my own saliva lingering on my tongue. But thats not the only thing my numbness has effected. Like I said my emotions are numb, if someone hit me in the face I wouldn't even notice the stinging pain in my cheeks, I wouldn't feel the tears slip out underneath my eyelids, I wouldn't hear the muffled voices, or me groaning in pain, just my heart beating in the back. I just wouldn't notice. I wouldn't fight back. I would stay there and let them beat me senseless. Because I deserve it.

now I give everyone a fake smile without even giving my body the command to do so, just like everything I do on a daily basis, my body has trained its self to do all these things by itself.

The world has always looked Grey to me, with a few colors, but they're all very faded. Soon I'll see black and white only. All the colors will not be faded but Grey.

All of this I'm talking about will get worse. At least that's what I think.

I don't want to believe them, I don't want to move, I don't want to leave. We're not moving, right? We're not leaving, right?

Wrong. Logic and reality always will overcome imagination and belief. No matter what.

I know because I understand. Half of me is controlled by my brain, logic. And the other half is controlled by my heart, belief.
Always against each other. Always confusing and complicating things for me.

I'm not good with moving