In My Veins

Prologue

It still hurts more than it should. The years have been ripped out of my clenched fists by the cruel wind, and once again I'm left in the cold. The distance grew, but it couldn't sever the closeness of our souls.

Coming back didn't sound that difficult, but I didn't think about how it would be to look into his eyes again. I didn't consider what it would be like when he hugged me or how much of my strength it would take for me to let go. In that embrace, I could feel the beating of his heart and I remembered the day it used to beat for me. Letting him go was like letting go of that moment for the second time and like breaking all over again.

I tried moving on and I can honestly say that I loved again, but not like before. It was never like before because I knew that what I feared was true even though I always tried to deny it...My first love was my last love. He was it for me. My soul was so entwined with his that I couldn't rid him of myself and I'd never be able to give my heart, fully, to anyone ever again.

Toby. My Toby.

Except he wasn't mine anymore. That ring that he bought didn't go on my finger; It went to hers. Yvonne had his heart now. And maybe that's what hurt so much. I always believed that one day he would choose me and I would choose him.

The words he said to me that day still echo in my mind and I don't know how to get rid of them; I don't know how to get rid of him. He is my oxygen and I still need him, but no matter how many times I gasp I cannot get him in my lungs. Can I breathe, please? I want, I need him back, if only for a moment. I cannot bare it – this suffocating. I don't know how to handle this weight anymore.

"We used to want the same thing," he had said, turning to face me, his eyes pouring into me. "I thought we both still wanted this."

I wanted so awfully to tell him we still did. I wanted so badly to tell to tell him that all I wanted was him – forever. I wanted to tell him that we could find a way because the most important thing was that we fight for our love, the only thing in my entire life that I know I can count on; I wanted to remind him that he was my haven. I wanted him to know that he was my resurrection because after my breaking he let me glue myself together with pieces of him and if he leaves I don't know how to keep from cracking. All of these words had tried to escape me, but I couldn't ruin his life by holding him back. Not like before.

"I guess we have different plans for our futures now," I answered, averting my eyes.

"What about our dreams?" He asked. "The plans we made?"

"I...I don't know, Toby," I forced out.

Neither of us said the word, but we both felt it, I know. We both felt this terrible shattering as we ripped apart from each other.

"I love you, Spence," He said, before kissing the top of my head. Tears were forming in his eyes as he held me. The only response I could give him was sobbing. I could only hear the rapid beating of his heart.

He pulled away and gathered his things. When his hand touched the door, my life changed.

"Toby."

He turned to face me. I choked out the only words I could find. "Thank you for being my safe place to land."

The tears rushed out of his eyes. He swallowed hard and turned the handle. And then he was gone.

So yeah, after that, seeing him again wasn't exactly what I would describe as easy...