She'd barely ever left the house these days, and when she did it was only to walk Teia. The puppy was growing and wanted more exercise and to play more often and as more time passed, the less the girl wanted to leave the house. Journals used to be filled with words in a matter of days, but now she barely went through one in a month. Her dark eyes, that used to glint like coals with liveliness were dull and tired, dark circles bruising the ivory skin under her exhausted eyes. She never had been someone to eat much, but now the only thing she could keep down was coffee and sometimes not even that. Scattered around the house were pages with dramatic words written on them but she could no longer sit and write for hours without feeling sick to the stomach and thinking about him. She'd drag herself around the house with a blank look on her face. As a more calmer person, this was how she dealt with over whelming emotions. Go blank and over think about it.
Her pale hand reached out for one of the pages. This one she kept on her nightstand. Sometimes I dream of you, all the time actually, I always dream all of these moments we're never going to have. I guess that's just my way of dealing with the fact that you aren't here. I want you back so badly that I came up with a separate reality in which finally you were back. She skimmed her eyes over the page, reading it and then dropping it in a nonchalant way, not wanting to admit that she still felt that way.
She lays at three am, realizing that she needed him. She was rolling over in her bed in vain to get sleep. She couldn't sleep a wink all night. As closing her eyes would be setting to dream, and dreaming she would see herself by his side again, messing with his hair, or perhaps kissing him, and that was one thing her heart couldn't take in the morning when it came to an end.
And through the months of him being gone, she felt herself change. She grasped all the anger and loneliness and kept it in her chest. She was becoming someone she never intended to be, something she was scared of when she looked in the mirror, but she didn't know how to let these feelings go. And eventually, the sadness turned to numbness, which she somehow knew was worse.
She told herself she was not allowed to feel this way, it was over reacting and over reacting was begging for attention, yet somehow she couldn't stop. Every morning she put herself back together, only to slowly fall apart as the late hours washed over her.
