All The Things I Wish I Could Say

January 10th, 8:31am

Carter,

It's been a while. I just got over whatever sickness I had. My big doctor's appointments are coming up. I'm nervous about what they're gonna say. I saw you yesterday. I couldn't look at your face. I couldn't see your expression. I kept my head down and walked fast. Remember that friend I told you about a little bit ago? Well he said that you're pretty sad. You don't tell people you're sad, it's all about how you carry yourself. I know what he's talking about. You get sad and you just kinda walk with your head down. You're quieter. He said that's what's happening. He said it's because of me. I told him you were fine. I told him you don't care. Is it true though? Do you really miss me like I miss you? I doubt it. I'm finally starting to feel okay. I'm not perfect. I still get sad. But I've stopped talking about it. I've stopped hoping you'll want me back. Hope is a dangerous thing to lose. I suppose that's how I know we're truly done. Because I lost the hope. I want to talk to you. I want to laugh with you. I've started a text to you quite a few times. I want to apologize. I can handle it now. I can handle the girlfriend now. But I never hit send like I should. I had a dream about you. It wasn't even about you. You just sent me a message. I suppose I haven't really lost the hope yet. Maybe tomorrow I'll hit send.
       ~Madeline Jane