Basher Momin: Unhealable wounds

The End

In my end is my beginning...

(Basher's final musings):

Rudaba left this morning. She rejected me, and I her demand to turn myself over to the authorities, and leave behind my life of crime. This life chose me as much as I chose it, and I simply cannot walk away from it all even if I wished it with all my heart and soul. And I did wish for this life of crime to shed me, if only for Rudaba. For her tranquil presence in my life, which could return me to the man I had once dreamt of being. The man of rectitude that my father had hoped his son would become. But our choices (insofar as they are ours to make) mark us forever. My first grisly deed over two decades ago had marked tainted me forever, and no amount of incarceration will alter that. Rudaba must know that even if her idea of rectitude is simple-minded, like that of most people who have lived a sheltered life among loved ones and books. She was and remains untested by these turbulent aspects of life, and my one wish for is for her to remain that way till eternity. After all, that is what drew me to her and made me love her. Yes, I do believe I loved her as deeply as I could love any woman. I say this without any trace of hypocrisy. I know in our world, we measure love by one's ability to throw caution to the winds for one's beloved. But in the real world, these expectations are flawed. I measure love by the depth of the feeling, and its endurance. In that regard, the jury is still out on whether I truly loved her or not. I truly believe I did, and still do. But she was a beautiful vision, a dream, that I had to come out of. I can carry its essence, memory and feel with me all my life, if I try, but I can never return to it, or recreate it. This vision of Rudaba is all that the gods have ordained for me. Only for morally upright Buland did the gods provide the gift of an entire lifetime with the complete Rudaba. 

Even if I did, I would need to use the money generated from these nefarious deeds to start life afresh, and Rudaba, if she has any moral integrity, will still not be able to be a part of my life. 

I have decided to distract myself, and continue as before. She refuses to leave my mind and memories, and I have to consider that a parting present of hers (howsoever unwittingly and unwillingly bestowed). 

She was married to Buland last night in a simple ceremony. They have plans to live and work in the States. I am sure he will keep her happy. Ok, maybe I am not sure, but I do know that he does not have the haunting demons that I possess and have to battle each day. Many days I lose these battles and make life miserable for those around me. On my few successful days, I try to make things better for those around me. But this is an endless struggle, and I do know, from dear Mrs. Grey's words, that the sins of the father will haunt his progeny till eternity. I cannot make my children go through this hell. Never. 

So solitary I must remain. For now, the solitude is infused with memories of Rudaba. With time, their potency might fade, and maybe, another Rudaba will emerge for a while. Regardless, the solitude alone will be the permanent fixture of my life. I have made my peace with it. Moreover, this is as mild a punishment as I can hope for myself. 

Stay safe and happy, Rudaba.