Short Stories

10. Thoughts Part 2

I'm not crazy. I don't have depression. And I am definitely not suicidal. I tell them these things, but they don't believe me. I haven't been the same since she has left. The bright beautiful colors I once saw, have dimmed, slowly turning into grays, blacks, and whites. The fire of happiness I once had inside, it's been put out.

I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to think these things. But I was alone, and I did think them. Thoughts are dangerous things, they can force upon us wanted and unwanted feelings. They can lead to ideas, horrible ideas. Ideas that can land you where I am now.

It's night out. I'm guessing around 2 am or so. I walk towards the window in my room and open it. The garden below is usually very pretty, but the moonlight makes it look gorgeous. I immediately feel the breeze and a thousand thoughts and memories come rushing in. Ninety-nine percent of them containing her.

We were having a picnic. We sat down on the grass, and I had everything according to plan so far. But I wasn't expecting the huge breezes that would be coming our way. The wind blew all the food over, the blanket half flipped, and it was ruined. At least that's what I thought. Instead, she picked up all the food and we gave them to the different animals in the park. Then we both just laid on top of the blanket, staring at the clouds and feeling the breeze on our faces.

I shake my head as if shaking my head could really put those thoughts out of my mind, and sit down on the ledge. Don't worry, my legs are still inside my room, it's just my butt on the ledge. I look out and stare at the town from my bird's eye view. I look down, and realize if I fell I probably wouldn't survive. So it would be a very big shame if I did fall. I scooted a bit on the ledge and put my legs on the ledge as well.

"What are you doing?!" She screamed at me when she came into the room.
"Nothing! Nothing happened! Don't you trust me?" I asked as I pushed the other girl away from my arms and went towards my best friend.
"I trust you, but I'm sorry. It didn't look like nothing," and my heart dropped at those words.
"But-"
"But nothing. You don't think I know you've been cheating on me? I've seen you with the other girls, I can smell their perfume, and I have eyes. I can see their lipstick stains. But I've ignored it. I had hope that you weren't cheating on me and I kept coming up with excuses for you. I hoped that you would stop but you haven't. I was hoping my best friend of 12 years and boyfriend of 3 years wasn't cheating on me, but I deep down I knew it was true. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you anymore."
"No," I gasp and look at her with pleading eyes,
"I love you but I'm breaking up with you," she said as she walked away. Those words embedded in my mind forever. I know I shouldn't have cheated on her, the popularity just went to my head. Everyone else was doing it, and everyone wanted to be with me. So I let them, I was with them even though I was still with her. And I regret it, I regret everything I've done.

A tear slowly slides down my face. I wipe it away but more keep coming. I said I wasn't a cheater but I was. I said I wasn't seeing anyone else but I was. I said I'm not crazy but I am. I said I don't have depression but I do. And I said I'm not suicidal but I am. But no more. I can't live with these thoughts anymore. These thoughts corrupt me, these thoughts make me do things I know I shouldn't. I can't get rid of my thoughts, so I might as well get rid of my life. And with that last thought, I pushed off the ledge and accept my thoughts for the very last time.