A Collection of Thoughts, Feelings and Late Night Rambles

Sleep

My ceiling never changes. Even when it is as dark as it is now, I can still picture the swirls that have no real meaning to them. The very ones I used to create pictures and stories out of as a child.

That was when I would go to bed early, now it is too dark to see anything.

I still know what it looks like, even if I'm not at home. I know the space directly above my pillows where the pirate ship crashes over the waves. I know where the lady plays her harp to the sun, the music creating light and heat and all things we need to survive. I know near the door where an eagle spreads it's wings ready to fly far far away.

It never moves.

Just like me.

I'm lying still not daring even to breathe. I naturally fight against the sleep threatening to drag me into unconsciousness despite the logical part of my brain trying to convince me otherwise.

It is simple really; if I sleep, time passes. Time that I cannot afford to waste. My to-do list grows with every second passing. Things I need to do tomorrow, tasks that I need to be awake and alert to complete, missions I already know that I will fail.

If I sleep, then tomorrow arrives. I don't want to experience tomorrow. Time flys by, slipping out of my grip like sand. Years feel like seconds until I don't recognise where I am anymore yet I can't remember who I used to be.

In the dead of the night, my only company is silence. It lies beside me in my bed, an arm draped across my stomach, whispering nothing into my ears.

Time is slow here. I check my phone to see how many hours have passed only to realise it has yet to be 2 minutes.

I don't understand time. It is an inconsistent runner. The other competitors gain speed with the distance they cross, ending the race in a blur. Yet Time has bursts of speed at inconvenient places and slows to a snail's place at the key turns. Sometimes you feel like you are waiting for Time to catch up with you. Other times you know Time is too far ahead for you to even try.

When I have had a bad day, I try and bargain with Sleep to no answer. It's like completing deals with a rock. I beg and cry but it makes no difference. Sleep taunts me. Purposefully staying in the shadows just out of reach.

Its a game of cat and mouse. Often Sleep will slowly creep up and pull me down with it before suddenly letting go with a jerk.

Sometimes I'm the one reaching for sleep, sometimes I run laps to avoid its grip.

Sleep always finds me eventually. No one escapes Sleep like no one escapes Death. It overcomes me against my will, blurring the Time between consciousness and unconsciousness until I don't know when my finally blink was, what my final thought was or when my finally breath was.

And then I'm asleep.