Don't Let Go.

chapter one.

One.

I walked slowly, watching the sand squish between my bare, pale toes. Waves crashed around me, slipping across the sand and washing away all traces of people here before me. I didn’t see any of it; in my mind, I was so far away from here. My memories swirled, tinged with pain. All I could see was her. 

The way one smile from her could erase any argument, no matter how mad I was. How it highlighted her bubbled, dimpled cheeks, and accented the tiny scar on her cheekbone. How it had always made me want to smile, too. 

Something flew hard at my back, jolting me out of my thoughts. My best friend, Rose, popped up in front of me with a huge, mischievous smile on her face. She took one glance at my face, and then frowned. "No," she said simply, as if I’d asked her a question. 

"No?" I asked, stupidly. I knew what she was referring to, but I didn’t acknowledge it. She didn’t answer me anyway. She grabbed my arm with only enough force to get me moving -- as if I would break -- and started to pull me forward. 

"Where are we going?" I asked, recoiling at the sound of my voice. It was flat. Monotone, almost. Dead, some part of me agreed. 

"We are getting you to stop moping," she answered cheerily, as per her usual, exuberant self. I didn’t see how anything could be the same now, but she kept on, so strong. "Just come, Caydence, and don’t make me fight you over this." She spun around and looked at me. I mean, really looked. 

Noticing the bruise-like shadows under my swollen eyes. The way my long black hair was plastered down, hanging in snarled clumps around my waist. That the confidence I used to be so full of seemed to have disappeared. That I wasn't trying anymore, because I couldn't.  

I could see myself in her wide blue eyes, so I knew exactly what she saw, and I watched as the pity softened her features. 

I shrank away from her.

"Hey," she whispered, softly, now. 

I licked the salt from my lips and looked away, avoiding her eyes and not responding.

"It’s going to be alright." 

No. I didn’t say it out loud, but I might as well have. A stealthy, hot tear slid down my cheek, and my eyes burned for more. I ignored it, pretending that it wasn’t there. That I wasn’t breaking.

Rose saw the determination in my face, and resolve crossed hers in return. A smile lit up her face, her blue eyes brightening the way they always did when she had an idea. "Come on, fairy cake," she said, still light, but teasing. 

A small, sad smile broke across my lips. She had always come up with odd nicknames when Cassie and I were upset. 

She squealed. "That’s my girl!" 

We started walking again, a little bit of my pain bleeding away as I hurried to catch up to her. I was still throbbing, but I ignored it, intent on staying positive, and in the moment. 

I balked when I saw the dock though. 

"No, no no." Rose chastised, feeling my hesitation. "This is something you’ve wanted to do forever, Caydee." She pushed me slowly up the first step, and I scrabbled to find some of my former courage. 

"I’ll beat you to the end," she teased. 

"Fine," I said, forcing a smile.

"One," she counted. 

"Two," I smiled bigger, and the closest emotion I could manage to excitement started to leak through. 

"Three!" we both said, together, and took off. Our footsteps pounded down the planks, really running. I sprinted, eating up the dock. Rose and I both screamed when we reached the end, and then nothing held me anymore. 

The water swallowed me whole, and I let it. I touched the sandy bottom, and then kicked furiously up. I don’t know when exactly I stopped. If I stayed here… 

I opened my eyes, ignoring the burn of the salt. I didn’t care that it hurt because I couldn’t. The water wasn’t the beautiful, gorgeous blue most people saw. It was a murky, sandy brown, but for some reason this fit me. I liked it. It was real, unlike anything else that was happening to me now. 

Here, I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't breaking. I didn't have to be anything. 

As I looked up at the sunlight filtering through the waves, it was almost easy to ignore the dull pain always throbbing through me. I could almost forget that she was gone. And even as my lungs burned for air, I wanted to stay here, just to remember what it felt like to be whole.

But I knew I couldn't stay, and I knew I’d never be that way again. For just a minute though, I was free. And that was all that mattered to me.