Where I belong

New Beginnings

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"

She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born th-- ." A knock on my door interrupted my spontaneous singing session. The door to my room squeaked open and in came my mum.

"Hi," I said emotionless

"Sweetheart, could you please come downstairs for a minute?" She asked me in light, slow therapist type voice, which, let me put it simply pissed me off so f*cking much. 

"Fine" I sighed and followed my mum downstairs.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs I peeked into the living room, only to see it filled with the people who I hadn't spoken to for over 7 months. I wanted to turn around and hide in my room until they were no longer in this house, but I couldn't. It was as if I had super glue on my shoes, I couldn't move, no matter how much I wanted to.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks like flood water, I couldn't control them, they had a mind of their own. I knew what was to follow. Everything started to spin, I heard people talking and yelling, but I can't make out the words, I was shaking like an earthquake. I was trying to focus on my breath, but nothing as working. I haven't had a bad breakdown like this for nearly 4 months.

I was struggling to take control of my breathing before I knew it, everything had gone black.

------- 2 hours later------- 

My eyes burst open, bright light flooded into my eyes causing a groan to escape from my lips, My senses took in the surrounds, constant beeping came from my right whilst soft snores escaped from the person in the chair to my left. I lifted my head, only to feel a shot of pain go up through my neck. I let out a strangled noise, startling the person in the chair. 

"Tay!" Said a voice I recognised as my sister.

She came over to my side and grabbed my hand, I raised my eyes to meet hers, they were filled with worry and were void of their usual spark. "What hap-" was as far as I got before my throat cracked and felt like it was on fire. Lia handed me a plastic cup that sat on the table beside the bed I currently occupied. I gratefully took it from her chugging the whole cup of water in one go.

I tried again. "What happened?" I asked looking back up to Lia.

"Well, on Friday night, Alex, Emmy and Jen came over and mum was desperate for you to talk to them so she went to ask you to come down, I saw you come down the stairs then stop at the bottom, You had seen everyone sitting in the living room, and I could tell that you wanted to turn around and head back upstairs, so I look away and focus on whatever Emmy was saying, Next minute all we hear is this crying, yet it sounded like someone screaming. We all ran out to where you were on the floor, having a full blown meltdown. Not even a minute later you just collapsed, you weren't responding or waking up" By this time Lia was crying and hiccupping, tears continued to flow down her cheeks as she looked me in the eyes and told me. " We thought you were going to die."

This statement really hit me hard, it was like I had just been shot with a bullet right through my heart, I had a massive lump in my throat and my heart was aching.

"I'm sorry" I whispered, fiddling with my thumbs, I hadn't realised what I had been putting my family through.

"Just promise me something" Lia replied, taking a seat on the edge of my hospital bed, still grasping my right hand in hers.

"Anything," I said back to her, bringing my eyes up to meet hers, they were filled with many different emotions, worry, guilt, sadness, love and kindness.

"Promise me that you will try to reconnect with everyone, Alex, Emmy and Jen are still your friends and they miss you like crazy, mum and dad are worried about you, but they love you so very much and they just want their daughter back." She said, before standing up and walking out the door before I had a chance to reply, I didn't even have time to take in what she had said.

------- ☆ -------

I had spent the past few hours here in this plain, cold, white miserable hospital room. I had only been here for 5 hours, yet it felt like 2 days, times was going insanely slow. The nurse came in and checked on me almost every 20 minutes and it was beginning to get annoying. The bags under my eyes had reduced slightly due to actually getting some sleep, which lets just say, has not been easy for a little while. 

About an hour ago, the doctor came in and had a discussion with me and my parents, although my opinion didn't get acknowledged. They suggested that I go and see a psychologist, as well as attending group therapy for people who suffer from depression and PTSD. The only good thing that has come from this, well for my family, is the diagnosis of PTSD and depression that my doctor has given me. 

*Flashback* --- 1 hour ago ---

"Mr and Mrs. White, I'm Dr. Wickens" the doctor introduced herself, shaking hands with my parents before pulling an extra seat around and sitting in front of them. 

She looked through her notes before turning to them and informing them of my diagnosis. "After conferring with the psychologist on this ward, we have determined that Natalie suffers from depression and PTSD, she suffered from a sever panic attack associated with her avoidance behaviours." 

My parents looked deflated and confused, they didn't know the details of what has happened, so they wouldn't understand where all this is coming from. 

------- ☆ -------

A quiet knock came from the door of my hospital room before my previous best friend entered the room timidly. Her steps light and soft, She walked over to the chair that was next to the hospital bed that I was in. she stopped short of the chair unsure whether to take a seat or not.

"You can sit down" I whispered

Once again she moved slowly and quietly, not making a sound.

"Emmy, I-" I started to say, But she cut me off

"Nat, Listen," She said her voice clear and loud. "You needed us the most and we weren't there for you, we should have known and yet we still abandoned you. You might not have wanted us to be around and you might have wanted to push us away but we should've stayed and been there when you needed us the most." She paused to take a breath before she continued. "What you went through, I can't even imagine, We all thought he was amazing and that he was the poster boy for the perfect boyfriend. It f*cking Kills me that he did that to you and for so long. It hurts me so bad to see you like this and to know that I can't do anything." Once she had finished and taken in some heavy breaths I pulled her over to me and hugged her for hours. 

------- ☆ -------

I was released from the hospital around 5 pm in the evening and on our way home Lia and I stopped by McDonald's. Once we had ordered and were seated i started to think about the tour and what will happen. 

"Hey Lia?" 

"yeah"

"Whats happening with your tour?" 

"Well it starts on the 24th of May, Dad and I are going along with Jay. Mum, you and the twins are going to stay home, but come see me when I have my show here."

After she laid out the plan I pleaded with her, almost in tears "no..non...no please! I want to get away, have a change of scenery."