I had enough

Overthinking

I have deep thoughts sometimes, and if I start thinking, I can't turn them down. This is overthinking, which caused me so much tears, and I need to stop. But I don't want to.

One day I woke up in my bed. I didn't have first lesson, so I could've slept longer, but I got used to waking up at 6:10.

Got used to.

I was rolling from left to right on my bed, I had a bad stomachache. This happened to me a lot so I knew it will disappear 3 minutes later, I was used to it.

Was used to.

I waited until my mother and my sister left home so I can do whatever I want in the remaining time. I got dressed, comb my hair, washed my face, and finally sat in front of the tv to watch an episode of an anime. I knew I had to take the dog out for a walk, so I went out to the bitter cold.
When I got back, the house was so quiet. I sat on a chair and felt sick. This sickness was just the feeling of vomiting but I never throw up. When I was little, I always had this "sickness", so my parents took me to a far away hospital where I had to stay for a week while they were looking for the cause. In the end they came up with "Oh you just have school-allergy, you are afraid of school and tests." Thus, we went home. Later my mother took me to a psychologist, and she maybe could cure it but it still comes up sometimes. Although now I got used to it.

Got used to.

I phoned my mother and told her I wanted to stay home and go to the doctor in the afternoon. I knew the doc would say that this is a virus, because almost everyone has it who goes there.
Why did I want to stay at home? Because I'm lazy to study? Because I had tests on that day? Because why not?
No. I had enough of everything. From December all the way to January I haven't had a fucking day when I can relax or do what I want. It drives me crazy.
At home, I was watching tv when I started thinking.
"Now I can do anything. Literally anything. I can draw, read, watch Youtube. But... Why can't I do that anytime I want? Why? Every goddamn day I meet the same people. I wake up to my alarm and get ready for the day like a habit. I go to school, suffer from not understanding or simply just not interested in something, but I HAVE TO know it because this is how it's written. If I don't know how to do someting in Physics or Chemistry or Maths, I'm an idiot. Grades show this. The grades are important for people. I always have a base I have to keep up, because I don't want father to be mad at me. Father, don't you think that it is better to be good at loving my family? Protecting my friends? Cheering up if somebody is down? Living my life the way I want? I'm always nervous if I get a grade and don't dare to tell it father. Don't misunderstand me, he is a really good father. But why do I have to know these if I'm not interested? And THIS is why I can't do what I want every single day?? We obey these laws blindly, and become the same. Everyone is the same. Everyone is in the system and that scares me. They say I'm an idiot and I shouldn't think about these. I am different but I don't want to be like them. I had ENOUGH. I don't want to get used to anything anymore! If something is bad for me, I want to stop doing it and not get used to it until I can't feel it! Dying is not a solution. I love my family so much, I don't want to die and run away from everything. But I can't do anything against this!! I can just cry and cry and obey again and again while falling apart and going more and more crazy. I want to call out for help, but no one can hear me. Every people goes with the wave of the horrible system we live in, like a brainless zombie. And they can't hear me shouting at them to break out from theirselves."

Please break out. Show me that this is not how we should live our life. Crushing our dreams and needings while doing what we hate.