You don't get it at all; I don't hate you, I could never hate you.
When I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore it was never because I started hating you. It was because I couldn't take one more goodbye. I couldn't take one more night of hoping you'd show up or call when you said you would. I couldn't take another day of wondering if you'd be around.
I don't hate you, I could never hate you because all I feel is sadness in my heart about us, about you. Everyone tells me to get mad, but I can't. I wish I could fill my heart with hate towards you because that would make this so much easier. But I don't hate you. I wish I thought of you and could get angry and let it overake the sadness that's been consuming me, but I can't. It just doesn't work that way. Thoughts of you pass by my head and all I can think of is how much I miss you.
I think of how I wish I could run to you and tell you I love you, I wish I could spill my heart out and have you feel the same way, but I know you don't.
I finally realized I can't keep chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught.
I can't keep trying to make something out of nothing, I can't keep romanticizing the conversations we have and the nights you come over late at night. I can't do that to myself anymore and all I want is for you to understand that.
I can't be okay with someone who is only half invested in me, someone who makes me disgustingly happy but leaves me hanging out to dry most of the time. I wish you could see what you make me feel and what you do to me because then maybe, just maybe, you would understand. But you don't get it and you I don't think you ever will.
You think I wanted to stop talking to you because I don't care about you anymore or that I hate you when that couldn't be further from the truth. I stopped talking to you because I decided it's time to put myself first and it's eating me up. It's ripping me apart and making me so sad. I wish you could see that.
You broke my heart so many times and I just go right back because I crave you, I want you so bad, but I realized I can't live like this anymore.
I can't sit around for days without hearing from you without so much as an apology. I can't wait up for all hours of the night hoping you'll call me when you finish doing whatever it is you're doing. I can't do it anymore. I need consistency and reliability.
You were just never there when I needed you most and I couldn't take being left out in the cold anymore.
I need more and I need someone who doesn't make me feel like I'm on top of the mountain one day then waking up alone the next to find out the mountain was an erupting volcano and you left me alone to fend for myself because that's how you make me feel.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me back, but you don't and I don't think you ever will be able to.
Please understand I don't hate you, I never will be able to hate you, but I also can't talk to you anymore. I can't reply to your messages and I'm done liking your pictures. I can't do any of it anymore because every time I think of you it devastates me and I can't live like that anymore.
I have to you let you go because I can't take the weight of the sadness I feel inside my chest anymore.
And the worst part about all of this is – you probably don't even notice I'm gone.
~~~
/Kendra Syrdal
