Pt. 4
"......Hey wassup Keena, I keep replaying this last year over in my head and trying to see how everything went so wrong. I already know it's all my fault. I blame myself for putting you through all that bullshit and most of all the shit that happened to Patience. Don't think it was your fault; that was on me. I'm so sorry baby. I hope one day you can forgive me. Real shit you was always the only one in my corner. I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. But you know life has a way of catching up with us. I would do anything to be with you right now. Just laying on the couch watching tv and rubbing your feet. I miss those days. I love you girl. Always have and always will...."
"LIGHT OUTS!" The guard yelled while Jamal attempted to finish his letter. Then he got frustrated so he just put it up and laid down on his bunk. His cellie started talking about all the hoes he had while he was out but Jamal wasn't trying to hear that shit so he tuned him out. Jamal wasn't used to moving on anyone else's time so this was a whole new life for him. He laid there recollecting that dreadful day in the airport, as he did every night; the day that changed their lives forever....
*ONE YEAR AGO*
Seeing my daughter's face all over the tv screen felt like I was getting stabbed over and over again. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed as I hit the floor. My sweet baby girl was gone and I knew it was all my fault. She was so innocent and beautiful. How could God let that happen to her? Why was she in the fucking car with that fat ass bitch anyway? Shay Shay was supposed to protect her! We shouldn't have ever gave her up. We probably wouldn't even be in this mess and she would still be alive. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head. I tried to blame everyone else but I knew deep down it was my fault. I did this. Jamal got on the floor with me and held me tight as ever.
"Keena it's not your fault. Don't think that. We didn't know man we didn't know. Shay Shay shouldn't have had her in the car. That bitch bogus!" He said while trying to stop my tears.
"It doesn't matter. I pulled the trigger. ME! I took my daughter's life. The only one I was able to have! That's on me! I don't even wanna be here no more. I want my baby back!" I sobbed. Jamal didn't know what to say so he held me until it was time to board our flight. Once we got on the plane, I took the window seat and drifted off as I glared out at the sky. We didn't say a word to each other the whole flight.
We made it to LAX airport and everyone was moving so fast. It was like another world. We needed a moment to collect ourselves so we sat down to talk. "So where you wanna go now?" He asked with his big bubbled eyes gazing at me.
"Look, I think we should go our separate ways now. Jamal you know I love you more than life itself. No one will never understand how deep our love runs. I would kill for you. I did kill for you. My fuckin daughter. Our daughter." I said then he tried to interrupt me. "Wait a minute let me finish. I know what I did and I'm gone have to live with the shit. There's nothing that you or anyone else can do that'll make me feel better about it. This is where I draw the line. We have had an amazing bond but we are too toxic together. Drama seems to follow us and too many things have happened for us to ever get over. So I think we should try to start over fresh without each other. Believe me, these words were the hardest things to spit out but I think it's the best for the both of us." I said as I looked in his eyes searching for answers. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but truth be told I was hurting my own. There probably won't be another man that'll love me as much as he does but I was willing to accept that.
"Keena naw man you tweaking. We been through too much shit to turn around now. I know for a fact no other bitch, no disrespect to you, will ever have my back like you do. I'd be lying if I said I know how you feel because I don't. I don't know how it feels to be the one who pulled the trigger that killed our child after being told you can't have anymore kids. I really don't. But I know you're hurting. Shiid I'm hurt too. Put that pain on me. It's all my fault anyway." He explained. I could look in his eyes and tell he knew it was over but tried anyway.
"Listen, I know it's hard to let go and trust me I don't want to either. But at this point we have to do what's best for the both of us. I don't want to go on with this relationship knowing I resent you and I want you to be able to have your own family. I can't do that for you. I want you to be happy even if that's without me." I said as the tears rolled down my face.
"Well at least tell me where you going Kee..." Jamal said.
"I think I wanna go to Long Beach. I heard it was a nice place to live." I said as I got up to get my luggage together. Jamal grabbed one of the duffle bags of money then handed it to me.
"Here that's half of the money. You should be good but if you ever need anything let me know. I got you." He said with this disappointed look on his face. I nodded my head then held him tight as we said goodbye. I sunk my head in his chest to smell his Polo Red cologne for the last time. Damn I was gonna miss him. He kissed me on my forehead then he watched as I walked away.
