I sat there on my cold, white tiles in my bathroom just simply staring at my wet, red, stained bandage that was wrapped around my cut wrist. This was the third bandage within the last ten minutes. All I want to do is die. I can't take it anymore. All the names, the threats, the jokes, the abuse. The extreme, pain in my wrist stopped about two minutes ago.. All I am now is dizzy and my eye sight is going freaky. Your worth nothing. Just kill yourself! If only you knew what I was I was just about to do, Hannah! Your a waste of space. Why are you even alive?!!. I started asking myself that question when I was just nine years old. Look at yourself... Your ugly. Your fat. Your a slut. Your unloveable. Yeah I know that! You dont have to keep telling me it over and over. I believe you Rose. One more cut to end this all. Come on Kaylah! Your such a pussy! I gave in to my mind and picked up the rusty, but sharp razorblade and placed it on my wrist and swipped it across my wrist. I didn't mean for it to go so deep.This wasn't the first time that I have cut myself. My arms and legs were filled. I couldn't feel it. I picked my favourite lighter up wanting to feel pain. I never knew this little, purple lighter would be so painful. I burnt my fresh, deep , bleeding cut. The skin around my cut started to bubble. "Kaylah!! What are you doing?!" "Kaylah!!!" I looked over to the door to witness my best friend, Sarah running to my side. "It's to late, Sarah" I blacked out.
I woke up in a extremely, small, uncomfortable hospital bed. My mother and Sarah were resting there heads on either side of the bed. I have always been a lonely child. I havent seen my father since I was two years old. He ran away when my mother reported him to the police for abusing her. I'm so proud of my mother, she is strong in the way she dealt with the endless nights of getting punched, kicked, pushed, pulled, hit and abused in every way possible. Sarah is one of my best friends and hopefully will always remain that way. They both had big panda eyes. Sarah was holding my right hand firmly while my mother was holding my left hand, that was stitched up and glued. My wrist looked so gorgeous. I did this work. I did this magnificent artwork. I moved my pin needled feet accidently woke the both of them up. They both started at me, in sync may I add. "Thank god!! I thought I lost my daughter today Kaylah. I was so worried.. Sarah called me when she found you in the bathroom with a razorblade in one hand and lighter in the other. She told me you passed out in her lap. When I got home there was blood everywhere. You were gone." my mother started to cry and squeeze my fragile, stinging hand tight. "Mother, you have to understand me when I say that I don't want to be here anymore. I want this freaking pain to end! Im sick of being the second choice, the back up. I'm sick of being abused and pushed around! I wanted to die last night. I've been trying to kill myself for a while now, since I was eleven years old, mother. I know this isn't what you want to be told a mother but I thought you might want to know the truth. " My mother looked at me with tear filled eyes and running mascara. She knew how I felt, I just think she didn't want a child that had to go through what she did. Before my mother could open her mouth the nurse walked in, in her white nurse shoes and white outfit and asked my mother and Sarah politely to give us some time alone. My mother kissed my forehead and Sarah squeezed my hand and walked my mother out.
"Hello, Kaylah. My name is Nurse Katrina. Would you like to know what occured while your were unconcious?" She said carefully. "Um... I guess so." I said a bit scared of what she was thinkin of me at this point. I'm pretty sure i knew every single paramedic in this hospital. I never gave them my mother's contact because i never wanted her to know. "Okay. When Sarah found you and you blacked out she held your wounds together. Kaylah, if it wasn't for Sarah you wouldn't be here. We got you straight into surgery and had to start with only the doctor and myself. You have twenty-two stitches all up and two staples. We have you on pain killers and anti-depressant pills. I'm afraid you will have to stay in hospital for another week or so before you are aloud to even step outside. Your injuries are to severe. Kaylah you do realise you cut one of your major arteries. You could have died if the paramedics arrived even one minute later you would have died. You are extremely, ridiculously lucky to be alive.".
At that moment, I actually thought of overdosing on my anti depressant pill, what will everyone at school think of me? Will my dad contact me and say sorry for everything? This society is fucked, when your alive everyone is judging, telling you you will never be good enough and telling you that you deserve to die but when your dead its a completely different story. Everyone is saying that you were perfect and that you deserved to live.
