I can't even begin to explain how I feel, I'm angry and sad and don't know what to do. I denied these feelings for so long, I managed to convince myself they weren't real. Now you're gone. It kills me to know that. I woke up thinking I'd see you, only to realize you're thousands of miles away. How stupid of me, to think you were still here, to think you would change your mind and stay. I knew you were leaving, but I wasn't ready for it; you left much sooner than planned. My heart frozen in place not knowing what to feel. You talk to me like it's all okay, like nothing has changed; if only you knew... How badly I wanted to tell you how I felt but I stayed quiet because I knew you didn't feel the same. All those stories you told me, I'd sit there and listen pretending it was nothing while on the inside I was cracking. I listened to story after story hearing all their names, all the things you would say about them; "She's so cute", "Oh I fucked her", "I want to fuck her" all those words were just daggers to me; yet I listened to make you happy. I knew what I was getting myself into, I knew how much it would hurt and yet I still did it. All those moments of sadness went away when you would hold me. Even though you say you hate people and get bored of them, you told me you enjoyed my company and liked talking to me. You told me you wanted to lose contact with everyone, that we would stop talking; you have no idea how much that killed me. Two days later you came over and told me that you wanted to continue talking to me, you gave me no reason as to why, nor did I ask for one. You have no idea how happy that made me, I might have not shown it on the outside but on the inside I was like a child jumping of happiness. That day I didn't want you to leave, I wanted you to stay there on my bed with me holding me. The moment you asked to kiss me I said no not because I didn't want to kiss you but because I didn't want to hurt myself anymore; you ignored what I said and kissed me anyway, I'm happy you did. Within that moment, I swear time had stopped, my mind went blank and I couldn't think of anything. The way you poked fun of my small lips when you have huge lips made me smile, I loved all those moments that you would pick on me to make me laugh; "Your hands are so small", "You have such small feet", "You're a child", all those comments would make me giggle. I swear each time you called me "cute" I would remember it every night before bed and I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. Everyone told me you were an asshole, that you used people, hell you yourself told me the same things, yet you were always nice to me, never hurt me, I never felt used by you. For someone who says they don't care you were sweet to me and gave me comfort when I needed it. It kills me inside knowing that I'll never be able to invite you over again and have you hold me or just see you. I would wake up early each morning to get to school earlier to be able to see you, we didn't talk or hang out, you were always with your friends but I didn't care, I didn't need to talk to you, just see you and say good morning. From the day I first messaged you we never stopped texting, you were the first person I would message in the morning and the last person I talked to before sleeping. You have no idea how happy I would be to talk to you. You always told me I didn't bother you yet I still felt like I did, I felt like I texted you too much, that it would annoy you; no matter how many times I asked if I was being a bother you always told me the same thing "You don't bother me". The first time I asked you to come to my house I was nervous, I wasn't sure that you would want to. I was in disbelief when you agreed to going over I didn't know what to think, I was nervous the whole day thinking you would tell me you had changed your mind; thankfully you didn't. When we got to my house you just laid on my bed and waited for me to lay down before you pulled me on top of you, you wouldn't let me go the whole time we were there. That's the day I realized that I had feelings for you, the day I fucked myself over. When you told me you wanted to kiss me that day I just ignored you until you yourself grabbed my face and planted your lips on mine. Within that moment, I was in shocked, I didn't think that you would kiss me. My lips were so small compared to yours; your lips were full in size, and felt like soft marshmallows. I remember we were both out of saliva because we kept licking each other, you kept doing it thinking it annoyed me but it honestly never did, I just pretended it did to make it fun. You seemed to always make things move quickly, we would go from cuddling to you having me on top and kissing me or spanking me. I won't forget the day you spanked me so many times that you left a bruise, "I thought you said you like bruises" was the only thing you kept saying to me; you weren't wrong I do love to be bruised. One of my favorite moments with you was when you were about to leave and I got in your way accidently so you just pushed me onto the bed and started making out with me. I honestly misjudged how strong you really were, I could never seem to get out of your grip when you held my wrist; I melted inside each time you would take charge and pin me down, I would start doing things I knew you would pin me down for just to have you do it. I never did understand why you decided to spend time with me, nor did I understand why you talked to me to begin with, every time I would ask you all you would say is "Idk" which wasn't much help. You have no idea how happy I've been since we started talking, you're the one person I always look forward to talking to. I can't stand the fact that at times you like to tease me by not talking to me, it irritates me. You really do know how to get under my skin; you ignored me for three days because of the stupidest thing. There's a reason I apologize constantly, it's the way I am, I never thought it would bother you to the point that you would ignore me for such a long time. You say you ignore me for your own entertainment because it amuses you how much I'll text you and worry, I feel like a dumbass for believing I actually had upset you; I still can't even call you an asshole which I can't understand why. I know that to you I'm just a toy to use from time to time, I'm waiting for the day you get bored and throw me away. Talking to you is honestly an emotional roller-coaster, I go from loving you to hating you within seconds. I let you use me and do as you please with me without trying to stop it, it's stupid of me to do but for some reason I don't mind it; I guess I'm just used to being used by different people. I try to lie to myself and tell myself that you don't use me, that I'm not just another toy to you, it gets harder to believe each time. The fact that you don't care even the smallest bit about the way I feel kills me on the inside; yet here I am, still talking to you. I guess I really am a masochist, staying even though it hurts, always going back for more. Within three days you managed to make me feel like absolute shit, yet the moment you messaged me I replied in a heartbeat ecstatic to talk to you. Those feelings I had three days ago all gone within moments. Funny how one simple message made me fall head over heels for you again. Every time you talk to me I end up falling for you more and more. Lately I've been thinking of just blocking you, avoiding talking to you so that all these feelings can go away. You told me you might have to come back to Miami and my heart stopped for a second, I was filled with joy for a quick second. I'm happy that you might be coming back and that I might be able to see you, but at the same time I'm sad. Having you come back means having me listen to all the stories you would tell me. The stories you tell me truly do hurt me, I'm just good at pretending that I don't care. Every time we talk you always bring "her" up, there's not a single conversation that we have where you don't talk about her. I really don't mind listening to you talk about her but you do it all the time, it's impossible to talk to you about anything else. I can just imagine you coming back, you'll spend all your time with her and then call me and tell me all the things you did; I'll just sit there and listen and add a comment here and there. Hopefully all works out in your new school and you don't have to come back, as much as I would like to see you again I rather settle for skype. You really are a confusing person. One second you tell me you never want to come back and never want to see any of us again and ten minutes later you're changing the way you feel. Sometimes I wish I was smarter, then I would have never gotten myself into the situation I'm in now; I wouldn't be head over heels over someone who barely even cares about me. I still sit here and wonder why, why did I message you, why did you answer back. It never will make sense to me. I'm frustrated at the fact that you're so far away and that I can't see you, I'm frustrated that you might be coming back, maybe I was just better off never talking to you to begin with. No matter how many times I repeat these things to myself I always end up glad to talk to you. I still can't forget the fact that you would climb upstairs just to give me a hug when I was feeling bad, that meant the world to me. We spent weeks talking and skyping each other while you were still away, we never stopped talking. The days when you would get upset at me you would ignore me for a couple minutes before you would message me again saying you missed me. Fast forward a couple months and you end up showing up to my house on Halloween. Nothing in this world could compare to the excitement I felt when I saw you. I was dying to just run up to you and tackle you to the floor but held back since my friends were behind me. The fact that you spent Halloween with me instead of spending it with "her" meant so much to me. You assured me many times that I was yours and you were mine, I was foolish to believe that. When you said we were officially dating I got so happy. I would skip school to go to your house and spend time with you, all we would do was sleep and listen to music. You have such a great taste in music. I would cling on to you in bed and wouldn't let you leave my side, you'd laugh when I did that. Every time I went over you would always make things sexual, I remember the first time you asked me to well "get on my knees" I got as red as a tomato; it took me a while before I could do anything. I remember you saying "I broke my little pervert". You gave me a list of rules to follow which I would accidentally constantly brake. Each time I broke a rule you would punish me by ignoring me for a day and would just add more days as time went on; you have no idea how much I fucking hated that; all I wanted to do was talk to you. You never seemed to get bothered by how clingy I was, I never wanted to let go of you and would message you seconds after leaving your house. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could, I even got a stupid video game to play with you. We played for hours and you even tried to "teach" me. I have trust issues because of that one game, you used me to get a buff and then killed me. You were a dick. The day that I thought you had broken up with me I felt like complete shit. I cried the night and went to school a mess. Silly of me to misunderstand the situation. When you told me you were going to go away for three days I felt hesitant, I wouldn't be able to talk to you those days. I couldn't get you out of my head for those three days, I spammed you with messages. To be honest I felt something was off and just didn't feel right for those days. You managed to message me when you were coming back, my heart stopped when I saw the message you had sent me; I instantly knew what was to come. I felt empty inside that day, I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, I sat outside by the lake and just watched the horizon. I think I might have gotten too attached since I cried for a long while. I was thinking of cancelling going out with friends just because I didn't want to see you; I couldn't see you. For two days I debated telling you that I couldn't be your friend, that it hurt me more than it did me good. I stayed quiet and just stayed your friend. When we went ice skating I felt like I was intruding. I felt as if I shouldn't have gone; you were constantly with your best friend and my own friends were too busy with each other. I felt like I was fifth wheeling and just didn't have a good time. I didn't complain and just stayed quiet because I didn't want to ruin anyone's fun. That wasn't the only day that I felt shitty. The day that we all hung out I had to take a breather, I spent the night with you and friends and had to stop to take a walk by myself. I managed to distract myself and think while walking around the block and called a friend to distract myself. Seeing you be clingy with your best friend made me somewhat jealous, it also hurt a bit. When I got home that night I just sat on my bed and thought to myself, at least we're friends and talk to each other, it could have been worse we could have just stopped talking. To be honest I still wonder how you wake up one day and just feel nothing for a person, maybe I just got attached too easy. Silly me. I remember the first time you told me you wanted to go into the Marines, I was everything but glad. I can't imagine you putting your life at risk in such a way. I thought you had given up on it since you stopped talking about it; but then you started again. When you told me you enlisted and that you leave in a couple of months my heart dropped a bit. To think that you'll be gone for months without any way of contact is hard to grasp. Even as a friend all I ever want to do is talk to you. I get worried thinking the worst that can happen to you when you leave. I don't know where I was going with this. I don't even know where to end it. This was such a roller-coaster, I'm not even sure if I should show you. I've been debating it back and forth, it makes no difference to me if you see this or not; but most people say I should show you. I'm sorry that I made it so long, I didn't know where to stop; once I started writing I simply couldn't stop.
