Troyler AU - LOVE take two

one

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"I wanted to kill myself.."

His voice is a scant short of a whisper, and it has taken a fast turn from sounding agitated to eerily calm. Despite the efforts of controlling his rapid breathing, his lithe body still jerks from the occasional hitches that get caught in his throat. The raw words of his confession fly out of him like they don't weigh the ton that they deserve, but the impact is obvious on his face. The hands rested on the table are fisted in tight balls, and there is a strain depicted onto the stony expression that is his face. The amount of remorse leaks through the windows of his eyes and his cheeks are in blotches of red.

"I think I must have lost my mind, if I haven't already. I don't know why I think it's a good idea to be talking into a camera, and if this doesn't say something about my sanity, I don't know what does." He chuckles dryly and catches himself at the edge like he wants to hold something back.

"Oh, wouldn't that just be fitting? Since I have been thinking about offing myself just a while ago?" Then he tips his head back and wheezes a laugh or two before he tumbles over to a rumble of mirthless laughter. When he calms again, his eyes are glazy and unfocused. Then, he shifts his gaze downwards as he continues with words full of dread.

"It's the damn voices in my head, really. They always know how to get to me, clawing at where it hurts the most. On good days, I can ignore them alright but I could never shut them off. I don't fucking know how to make them go away and they are so relentless! Telling me that I'm- I'm stupid, that I'm worthless, and how I seem to fuck everything up without even trying."

He pulls away from the camera a smidgen and cards his hand through his hair, ruffling his curls a little more than before. His breaths comes out in bursts of shudders before his shoulders slump forward. "Well, spoiler, I didn't do it. I'm still alive and it is all thanks to some stranger who bumped me out of my trance. Or is it the coffee that he spilled on me? Hmm, anyway, I didn't do it and now I'm talking about my feelings and pouring all of my woes in front of a camera. Is this my thing now?"

He stops and chuckles once at the atrocity that is his situation. A tiny spark flashes across his eyes and he sits up straight from his slumped posture. His stares into the camera with his eyes flooding with something that resembles realisation and horror. "Oh, fuck. I could be dead right now. I- I could be lying on the cold table in the morgue and- and Alexei.. He- he'll find out what I did and I- I'll never see him again. Oh god.. I'll never see Alexei again.."

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The whistling that is bouncing off the smooth tiled walls is sounding all kinds of wrong. It is pitchy and sometimes out of tune, but Tyler couldn't find it in him to care. He is in a kind of mood where he would not have minded if his kitchen set fire. Not that he actually wants that to happen, but the mild buzzing in his body is making apocalypse feel like a normal day in the park.

The memory of the previous night comes immediately forward, and it warms his body as much, if not more, than the hot shower he just had. The raw passion of a debauched moan, the uncontrollable tensing of muscles and the explosive end to a scene is making his blood boil once again. He has had his fair share of orgasms from scenes with a sub, and it has been a while since he's been able to enjoy it as much as he had. So, letting his kitchen burn to the ground may actually be convincingly justifiable.

He chuckles at his silly whim as he taps to the sink with his wet feet and wipes his hand across the steamed mirror enough to reveal his face. His skin looks as flushed as he feels and the pinkness on his cheeks compliments his complexion well. He flicks away the droplets of water trickling down from his wet fringe, and traces his fingers along his jaw and his chin, feeling the prickles of his day three scruff on his calloused pads. Contemplating if he should leave it be and he decides to keep it (just because), and grabs a towel from the heating rack to wrap around his waist before he exits the bathroom.