Secrecy

【Thoughts】

To: whoever reading this

I've been overthinking a lot lately and I don't know why. The feeling of sadness never left me but I don't know why. I've been feeling a lot left out and alone lately and I don't know why. I had done things that I said I won't do but did and I don't know why. But maybe I do know or maybe I don't really know. All my life, well the 15 years I've existed, I only wanted to be someone's number one since I've never really experienced that kind of feeling where someone needs you or wants you or favors you. I've never been the first priority or the first choice. I'm always an option or the second pick when the first pick isn't there. I've felt that in my family, grandparents, in class, when I'm with friends, even with the ones I call my best friend. I'm really getting sick and tired of it tbh, for once, I want to be someone's 'first choice' but we can't always get what we want, can we? I sometimes blame myself for being alone, for being not good enough. I'm not the kind of person who opens up easily coz I need someone to pry open that lid of me. Too bad no one did or no one bothered to. I always felt like no one paid attention to me, until recently but that's another story, or to the words I want to say or about to since I'm always overheard. Whenever I try to open up, people look at me seemingly uninterested or they get distracted easily coz someone asked them something else. Sometimes I get cut off whenever I'm speaking about something I'm passionate about or when I get into the deep stuff coz according to them, I'm too childish to be deep and taken seriously. Which hurts, a lot. I think— I know I've been acting like a child or too hyper or too happy coz I want to experience that happiness that I've been portraying. An escape from my problems per say. A facade that shadows the negative things momentarily. Maybe I like crowded places because I want to observe people how they deal with their everyday problems. Maybe I like attending concerts or music festivals with loud music coz I want to get lost in the crowd enjoying how the beat is pulsating through me. Maybe. Maybe I don't like getting attached coz I know that they'll leave eventually and the thought of me being invested more in a person than that person terrifies me. Maybe I don't like opening up because no one bothered prying the lid open or because they make me feel like my words are just meaningless words that can be brushed off coz I'm just upset over nothing or maybe that's just what I feel and people don't really think that or maybe they do and I'm right. Maybe. That's all my life is, a constant 'maybe'. Always indecisive, always not sure, a walking trepidation. And maybe, I'll be going to Fifth Harmony's concert or not coz the amount of people saying I won't be able to, even her, dampens my hope. Maybe I'm disappointed with someone. Maybe I'm disappointed with myself. Maybe I'm afraid of ruining things between us but maybe they're not doing anything at all to stop it from deteriorating or maybe that's what I just feel. I feel like this isn't a confession anymore, or is it still is? Lol. I love books btw. And Fifth Harmony. And music. And fluffy blankets. And soft fluffy pillows that I could cuddle with. And oversized shirts and underwear. And someone who listens. And someone who cares. And someone who'll actually think I'm worth listening to. This is 1/4 of my thoughts, hope you enjoyed reading it.. even tho it's such a waste of your time coz I just rambled, now that I think about it. Buy me a concert ticket. Love lots 💓

From: Lern Jergi (COZ I'M SUCH A FUCKING LAUREN GIRLLLL)

✖️Thoughts✖️

➖ 1. The ultimate mind trick

       2. An idea

®Your thoughts are too dark to be seen. ♠️