God's drowning Well

Inside Father's House

As the morning sun rose, the trees stretched their long limbs against the autumn's breeze. It was 58 F outside. Not too cold, not too hot just awkward. As soon as the sun touched Ricky's face her eyes sprang open and she jumped up. Ricky glanced at the clock and saw that the time read 6:00 AM. Her alarm wasn't suppose to go off until another 30 minutes but that was okay. she wasn't going to go school anyway. She didn't mean to but she saw a glimpse of her reflection in her standing mirror across from her bed. Heavy purple eye bags sat under her eyes, and her face was swollen with a hint of pink on her cheeks. She couldn't help it though, she couldn't sleep.

This giant house use to belong to her Grandmother on her father's side, a side she knew almost nothing about. Her mother had her when she was 15 and her father was 23. You could imagine what the law would think about that. Especially when it was one of their own officers that had done such a scandalous thing. Well could have been one of their own, her father took his life a few weeks after he found out Ricky's mother was pregnant with her.

The guilt of having ruining a innocent man's life constantly gnawed at her. It was suffocating to stand near this beautiful house, but to sleep in it was maddening.

Ricky did some stretches in bed to try to help cope with the situation. Feeling her muscles stretch distracted her for a bit, but when she stopped she became uncomfortable again. It felt like she was being watched. She just wanted to go home.

"Morning Ricky!" Her mother said cheerfully as she entered the room. Her mother leaned in to hug her but when she saw Ricky's face she hesitated for a second. Ricky kept her eyes locked on the bed covers to avoid her mother's gaze. It was too painful to face her this way.

"Morning Mama..." Ricky replied. Her mother reached out for her again and this time gently pulled her into her embrace. For a second Ricky wanted to push her mother away but decided not to. Sadness is contagious she would never want her mother to feel this aching guilt that she felt, but it was her mom. Even though she didn't deserve it she wanted to be comforted.

Her mother's warm hands brushed her brown bangs back and s planted a slightly wet kiss on her forehead. She was depressed, but with a simple kiss from her mother she felt a soft glo of light touch her soul.

"How do you feel baby?" Her mother asked knowing the answer. The answer could be seen in Ricky's skin which broke out because of stress. It could be seen in her puffy face and eye bags. It could be seen on her bitten to the nub nails. On her bottom lightly crusted with blood, lip. On her skinny body, because she's been nervous for weeks about coming here that she's been skipping lunch and dinner.The answer was right in front of her yet she still asked. Ricky snuggled up back into her mother's and listened to the faint thumping of her heart beat. Tears streamed down her face.

"I-I feel.." Ricky managed to say through sobs. She wanted to finish but didn't know what words to use.

"Afraid?" Her mother gently suggested. The tears started to pour now, her snot was running to into her mouth.

Yes, she was afraid. She's always been afraid of coming here. Her father took his life because of her. If her mother wasn't pregnant with her then he wouldn't have killed himself. Murder. She was a murderer. Her very existence killed a man, and now she was sleeping in his house. She was suppose to live there forever, eating and laughing like she never did anything. But she did! She did! She knew what sin was and she was afraid that one day God would see how happy she was and punish her by being haunted by her father's spirit. She didn't want to sleep because what if when she wakes up he's standing above her. What if when she takes a shower he just stares at her? No, she can't. She can't do this. The thought of something like this was crippling. This pain in her chest is crippling.

"Mommy!!" Ricky screamed clutching her chest. She felt as if millions of people were popping balloons right next to her heart and then stabbing it with a needle.

" Shhh, baby it's okay. Mommy's right here. I'm right here okay? Honestly Mommy is scared too. Mommy was more than scared to come back here, she doesn't want to face him either. But.. Mommy wanted you to grow up with something of your dad's. I know people said he killed himself because I was pregnant with you but that's a lie. He loved you a lot Ricky, he even named you to!" Ricky's mother said, trying so hard not to fall apart next to her daughter. A few tears fell but she fought them back and gave all her attention to her daughter. Her daughter was in pain and as her mother it was her duty to try and help.

"Just breathe okay love bug? If daddy comes back i'll protect you from him, but I know in my heart he'd be the one to protect you though." She whispered. Tears kept falling but she still smiled. She smiled but her heart shattered at the thought of Ricky's father actually killing himself because of Ricky.

Ricky couldn't focus on what was going on around her. Her mind was in a frenzy, it raced with various thoughts about her father.

HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE OF YOU

No he loved you, he NAMED you.

Mama's crying.

Mama doesn't love you either.

Hearing her mother cried brought back part of her to reality and she desperately tried to calm herself down by breathing and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

Finally it did, but she was so exhausted as soon as she came to she passed out.

*****

Mama loves me.

Mama loves me.

Mama loves me .

Mama loves me.

I need to fight for mama.

****

Ricky felt warm clammy fingers intertwined with hers. She slowly came back to.

"Mama" She whispered.

"Yes Ricky?"

"What happened?"

"You passed out Sweetie"

"Really? What time is it?"

"It's almost lunch time, oh speaking of that I should go make you something yummy to eat so you can regain back your strength."

Her mother leaned over her bedside and brushed up her bangs to give her a kiss. Right before her mother left the room Ricky called out

"Mama!!"

"Yes?"

"..I-I'm sorry.."

Her mother looked back at her and then to the floor as if searching for something comforting to say.

"Me to, Ricky"

Ricky inhaled sharply. She never meant to hurt her mother. Ricky stared at her mother's back as she left the room, but as she did she saw something that could have killed her right then and there. There on the floor she saw a trail of her mother's broken heart, and she knew for certain that she was the cause of it.