God's drowning Well

A Curious Child

She's drifting. She's drifting to somewhere far and beyond human conception that only the insane and depressed may visit. 

Ricky wondered all throughout the house, her fingertips dragging itself along everything she passed. She could feel a warm shocking sensation in her fingertips. Maybe it was the love and warmth this house where her father once had  lived. Or maybe its just her imagination trying to punish her. That was fine with her, she deserved it. 

Ricky went downstairs to check out the living room and kitchen but as she took each step she could see the smiling face of a little blonde boy running up the steps. 

"Mommy i'm home!!" He shouted. 

Ricky felt a shiver as he passed through her. She turned around and watched the boy jumped into his mother's arm. His mother caught him and snuggled him adoringly. 

"Oh my sweet baby, welcome back" She kissed into his forehead.

Ricky watched the memory before her eyes and felt something swell inside of her. Guilt? Jealousy? She wasn't sure, but it stung in deep inside her heart.

Somehow Ricky managed to make it down the steps and into the living room. She sat on the green lumpy couch and stared at the outside world.  

A grey car zoomed by. 

A squirrel ran down from a tree and cross onto the other side of the road into the forest. 

Two girls laughing walked up the road. 

Strong cold winds pushed the tree branches and made them wave hello. Their dark green leaves fell all over the place.

She could see that same little blonde boy jumping around in those leaves. He wore a red jumper with a red gloves and a red hat. He must have really loved the color red. The little boy gathered an arm full of brittle leaves and threw them into the air. The scene changed and she saw a teen boy with a varsity jacket pulling a girl with black hair under the bare tree and kissing her passionately. He spun her around and pushed her into a pile of leaves. 

That must have been her mom. 

Her mother laughed with her mouth open wide and her father just stared at her with this loving look in his eyes. She was more than 10 feet away but it was so clear. He loved her, he really really loved her. 

She felt another pain from deep within but this time it was different, no this time it was longing. If her father really loved her mother she wished, she wished with all her heart and soul that he had the same love for her. Ricky wanted to be love. She wanted to run home and jump into her father's arm and get her forehead kissed by him. She wanted to hear his voice say i love you. She wanted to be shown off to the world by her father. She wanted his praise and worship and undying love that most fathers give their children. Her mother was so lucky she got to experience her father's love. 

Ricky would never get the chance and it broke her heart. It broke it but it shouldn't because she didn't deserve it because she killed him but she couldn't help it. 

Mentally she was torn between wanting to be love, and refusing to be loved because she killed a man. 

But it wasn't her fault. Her father decided to take his own life. It was his decision, Ricky was barely 5 months old when it happened. Its not like she told him to do it. Its not her fault. 

But it is her fault. If she wasn't born none of this would have happened. If she wasn't born her father would still be able because he would have no reason to take his life. It all her fault. 

she was only a child, its not her fault. She never asked to be born. 

Sometimes children know better than adults. She should have killed herself. 

Round and round did thoughts like these go through her mind. It was exhausting. It seemed like she did this to herself everyday. She just wanted to be free.

God please help me.