I still love you (Dennor)

Maybe

Emil had fallen asleep almost as soon as we got home. It kind of reminded me of those days with Matthias, see he had a car instead of having to walk everywhere like Emil and I have to do now, so when he was little and I was watching him with Matthias we would sometimes be out late and he would fall asleep in his little car seat and we were all happy. There were no responsibilities no expectations, I wasn't Emil's full-time caretaker back then, I had so much less to worry about.

But now he's seventeen. I was fifteen then, Matthias sixteen, he had just gotten his license and car honestly it probably wasn't the safest situation for a seven-year-old with his brother and brother's boyfriend but as a seven-year-old, he didn't seem to mind at all. But now ten years later he's being just as reckless as we were but I can't be mad at him, I was his example I shouldn't have acted that way then. Kids notice, they notice your habits and beliefs and when you're upset. He was only a kid but I know he subconsciously remembers those days, even if not physically.

I had texted Berwald when we got home to let him know Emil was safe. He never responded but when Tino called me about a half an hour later saying that Ber had gotten home and how he was glad everyone was safe I figured out fairly quickly that Berwald had gotten my message. Tino and I talked for about an hour before he decided to go to bed, well he talked for a half an hour and I listened, never been much of a talker and he had, we worked fairly well together, I considered Tino one of my closest friends. I don't even know if he felt the same anymore, we had been friends since before Matthias, but then after Matthias, he was with Berwald, and before my very eyes they got married and started a family. Don't get me wrong I love Peter, he was wonderful, he was such a good kid too. He called me Uncle Lukas a few times, Tino would giggle and correct him but it really was adorable. 

I don't blame Tino for wanting to sleep with the rest of his family, he has so much going for him. He can sleep happily. I try to imagine that constantly, sleeping happily with a family, and I mean I have Emil but he's gonna leave soon he already was excepted to a University so I know he's going to leave. It makes me sad to think about having a future family though, I try so hard not to think of Matthias in that family, I try so hard not to think about Matthias. I pick up my phone and type up a text

>To:Tino< Are you still awake?

>From:Tino< Yeah..what is it?

>To:Tino< I can't sleep, I think my brain is stupid

>From:Tino< Hm? How so?

>To:Tino< I keep thinking of Matthias no matter how hard I scold myself not to.

>From:Tino< Do you think you want to talk to him again?

>To:Tino< Maybe...

>To:Tino< That thought doesn't upset me.

He stopped responding after that, he either fell asleep or didn't know what to say, maybe both. It's usually both whether he tells me it is or not I sort of just know with him. He's super easy to read, and he's not a very complicated person in general. That's not to say that's he's not smart, he's actually incredibly so.  Like so freakishly 'he knows you better then you know you' smart, and it's kind of horrifying at times, to be honest.

I unfortunately enough did not sleep again that night, it was around three am when Emil and I got home and I stopped texting Tino at about three forty-five I didn't see the point of sleeping then even if I did want to. I mean it would be nice to sleep but I have no real desire to. I don't really need it much anymore anyways, it's not important to me. Not as important as Emil was at least, Emil would be my top priority if he had not so insisted that he not be.

I remember when we were all eachother had, I would hold Emil and tell him it'd be okay, that Momma and Papa would be in a better place now. I was the only secure thing he had left, it's not like that anymore. He had friends, he had the means and trust in his heart to fall in love now. I could never blame him that he hadn't yet, after all he had been through at such a young age, seeing his real mother and father leave, and then Matthias and I breaking it off, he never got a true feel for it in his life.

Now, now that he could and he will, I was scared. Scared that somebody might break his heart and leave him alone again, unable to come to me anymore out of his own sheer pride.

I realized in this thinking that I am selfish, I don't wish heartbreak upon him, it would hurt him to much but, I want to be able to hold and comfort him again. Through this thinking it led to thinking about myself, wishing I had someone to hold me and wish good things upon me when I needed it. These thoughts of mine are selfish but, I would never inact it so, selfish thoughts to myself would be okay for now. I'd try and fix it soon though.

For everyone else's sake.

I was better off the way I was, dull. Dull was better for everyone when it came to me, not emotional but not emotionless, not stressed but not relaxed, my routine kept everyone the way they needed to be. Matthias used to say his favorite thing is the that he's the only one who gets to see me bright, I never understood. I understand now and he was right. I haven't been bright since him.

No more selfish thought.