Not Okay (A "The Fault in Our Stars" Fanfic)

Chapter 1

Soooo this is my TFiOS fanfic! I hope you like it :)

Chapter 1:
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If my mom made me eat one more frozen casserole, I was going to throw my oxygen tank at the freezer. God forbid we throw any of them out. I mean it'd been an entire month since the funeral and we still had, like, a million of those nasty things in glass pans.

My mom had just heated up a green bean casserole for my parents to eat and for me to pick at. Since Amsterdam I lost my appetite for normal mortal food and longed for the ambrosia Augustus and I had tasted at Oranjee.

I finished what I could then curled up on the couch for a few episodes of Top Chef. After they kicked off my favorite contestant I shut it off with a sigh and debated going to bed. As I thought of this, I stared out the window. I caught sight of someone walking away from me. It was a tall boy with dark hair. For a split second I thought, Gus! and I half stood to get a better view. But then I realized all at once that his hair wasn't right, he wasn't limping, and, of course, that Augustus was dead.

And then the pain of losing him hit me with the same full force it had engulfed me with since the day I lost him.

I forced myself to take deep breathes and close my eyes to the tears that wanted to come. Come on Hazel, don't do this now, I thought. He's gone and I've accepted it. But it didn't work and I was gasping for breath. My mom rushed in and asked what was wrong but all I could do was shake my head and turn away. This had happened so many times since July first that she knew exactly what was wrong and simply nodded and left me alone. I didn't want to be crying and I didn't want to be showing this amount of weakness. But most of all I didn't want to be missing Augustus. I didn't want him to he dead.

I should know by now we don't always get what we want.

* * *
After my sob storm, I dragged myself into my room and lay on my bed few minutes. Shortly thereafter my mom came in, hooking me up to the BiPap and then coming over to the bed. She sat down and stroked my hair gently, not saying anything. Finally I sighed.

"Why does it still hurt?" I said with a sniffle. My mom seemed taken aback a bit. She just shook her head and was silent for so long, I thought she wasn't going to answer. But then she said,

"Pain demands to be felt." and offered me a small smile. I tried to smile back and nodded. In one of our many evenings spent like this I'd relayed to her the many things Augustus had said to me, and how of all of them one of the things that made sense was "pain demands to be felt."

The one thing he'd said that made the most sense was that he loved me.

After awhile my mom left me alone and I looked around my room. I wasn't quite ready to go to sleep yet. My eyes fell upon my care-worn copy of An Imperial Affliction, which I hadn't opened since Augustus's funeral. The memories we shared that were forever inscribed on that book were too hard to visit. But as I stared at the cover, I decided to read it again.

I got up, picked it up, and despite the tears that slid down my cheeks, I read.