Piebite

#1.First bite

#1. First Bite

My mother drove me to the airport. I was sweaty; I shouldn't have worn this shirt, it's my favorite: it has a bunny on it. I'm going to see my dad, barley, because my mom hates me. my dad lives in a little town called forks known best for its diets, and the constant rain of slime. I hated it there and I really hated my dad. he's turning eighty, and he's an alcoholic. I don't want to go. "Billa," my mom said, "get outta here!" I think she named me that because they thought I was a boy when I was little. She looks like me, only she doesn't because She looks more manly. "I don't wanna!" i told her.

She shoved me out of the jeep and said "tell barley I said 'fuck you' " and then she drove away, not even bothering to run over my toe like usual. I got on the plane and the flight attendant scowled at me. I scowled back and kicked her in the shin. Then I sat down.

I was worried for barley. he was a good dad but he was old. He'd registered me for high school and he said he might get me a car . It was raining slime and he was waiting for me when I got off the plane. He's dressed as a cop. no, he isn't one, he just likes acting . many times has he been in plays around forks. He gave me a bear hug when I walked over. "nice shoes, bills." he said about my cowgirl boots, "how's sluttaya?"

"Moms smelly, she told me to say that she said fuck you, uh, dadda."

We got into his car and started conversing.

"I found a good car for you, cheap like you, since sluttaya could afford you."

"Really? what kind?"

"Yep , a parade float actually. it says 'pancakes are Hawaii bat' on it."

"How'd you find such a perfect car?"

"You remember billy boo down at la plush? where they serve stuffed animals?"

"Yes."

"He's still in a wheelchair, so he decided to sell it cheap so he could get a nice hat with the money."

"I hope he likes cranberries. is it old?"

"Yes."

"YAY."

"Knew you'd like it uglybilla.

"Thank you"

"You're welcome , mah dear."

It didnt change the fact that everything in forks was blue with slime. Eventually we got to barleys house . In the driveway was my new parade float. it was turquoise with huge tires and pink triangles. sure enough, it read 'pancakes are Hawaii bat'. I squealed .

"Whatever." he said.

We went inside . my room had a crib perfect for a sixteen year old and the walls were piss yellow. I set my luggage down and went to sleep. the next day I went to milford cubicle high school . I put on some orange pants and a purple tank top. I ate a baby seal for breakfast . I was ready. taking my parade float, I drove to Milford cubicle high. I went to an office and a man/lady have me a paper. You can never be too sure.

I went to a class taught by a hairy silverback ape, mr masonjarsonarseson. I cheated on my first assignment. then the bell rang and a fat Asian kid with facial hair came up and asked "are you uglybilla smarn?"

"Billa." I corrected. "I don't wanna be late I gotta get to mrs Jeff's class."

"I'll walk you there."

We grabbed some oats and sprinkled them around. then we went on our journey .

"So why aren't you tan?"

"My grandpas albino and I'm boring as duck."

"Oh. Well good luck, mrs. Jeff hates everyone."

Soon was mr. vagisils class, who made me introduce myself. I'm uglybilla smarn . my dad is old and my mom hates the color red. "

There was a girl who tried to be my friend but I couldn't remember her name so I just called he little bitch. at lunch she introduced me to some people I didn't care about and decided to call them little bitch friends. amongst them was Smalldick. I was looking for some meth when I saw them. the five people were tan, sitting in the middle of the cafeteria and shoving poop and salad into their mouths. All three boys were ripped except one was anorexic. one of the girls was tall and obese like an Orc. she had red hair. the other had dyed blond hair. I admired her hideous roots. All the boys had curly, dark hair like pubic hair, and oiled back like a

greaser. They all had poop colored eyes. then they all threw down their food trays and yelled "flower fish!"

"Who are they?"

Little bitch snorted and said," that's Pat, fungus, Big Bird, Tomatoe, and Sassparilla colon-kidneystone. they're Mexican . they live with that stupid doctor coup colon-kidneystone and his wife Betty Crocker. they're all adopted and I've heard them say they miss the ghetto."

"They must be great ass-wipes. The one in the yellow?"

"Oh that's Edwardo but he likes to be called big bird because he always wears yellow. why, you thinking of fucking him?"

"Maybe."

Later in mr lint-hammer's class big bird slapped my ass . Was that all he thought of me? it puzzled me, reminding me of the time I finished a puzzle that said '4-6 years' on the side in two years.

Even later than that, at the end of the class, a baby-faced kid with bug-eyes asked "aren't you uglybilla smarn?"

"FIBBJIBBLY GOD DARNNIT NIBLETS! IT'S BILLA YA FORKIANS!"

"Yes I'm mike-n-Ike."

"Two names?"

"For my two faces." He turned around to show me another face that was clearly an Indian licking his lips. "that's Ike. anyway I've been stalking you and we have our next class together."

Mike-n-Ike stalked me to gym where coach clappity-clapcheeks ran off to find a unicorn so he could impress me. his pants were stained with blood.

When it was all over I got in my parade float and sobbed because big bird didn't notice me. he only slapped my booty. It sucked and I decided that Forks was a slimy blue hole!