Blackinnon - Come back home (ONE SHOT)

It has always been her.

He never forgot the first time he saw her. It wasn't in the train, or in a classroom, or in any place at Hogwarts. It was at the train station, when they were going to Hogwarts for the first time. He thought she was pretty. But that's not what is important here. Her beautiful blond hair that always made him wanna play with it, her deep blue eyes that always made him wanna get lost in it, her freckles that were so cute he just couldn't resist, none of this was the most important in his memory. There was one thought, just one, that made him feel guilty for his whole life. His parents hated her family, so he thought « I should be friend with her, that would make them really mad ». And he felt guilty. So guilty of thinking of her at first as a mean to an end. Because she was so much more than that. Especially to him. With the years, Marlene McKinnon became way much more -too much maybe- to Sirius Black.

Since their first year, they had almost always been friend, like if it was some habit or something. But Sirius knew perfectly that their relationship was different, somehow. He wouldn't be able to explain. He couldn't back then and even now, years later. People thought they were friends one day, and the other day that they hated each other. But he never did hate her, he just couldn't. She could have done anything, he would have never hated her. Because he needed her. Not like he needed James or Remus, it was an other kind of need, tho he always thought it was just as a friend.

Until they kissed.

Oh Merlin, he'd never forget this moment. It was one of those moments we wanna remember for the rest of our lives. One of those we wanna be able to look back at with that stupid smile on our face and think « god, I wish I could turn back time to this day ». When their lips touched, he understood he's been wrong the entire time. There was something more. There's always been more about Marlene. She was... wonderful. The way she talked back, the way she moved, the way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she looked at him, the way she lived. The way she loved him.

People can say whatever they want, he knew she loved him, even though she never said it. And he loved her back. Oh yes he did.

So they started going out together. Their only real relationship as a couple. And it was good, really good. Everything seemed to be just perfect, like if it was meant to be. Nothing more, nothing less. And then she broke up. And it hurt. It hurt so much. He acted like it was cool but it was not. Not at all. For days, he couldn't believe it. Like, he thought he was just going to wake up from a bad dream, and she was going to be here, with him.

The truth is, he never got over this break up. They were both jealous, because they both still cared deeply. And Sirius always thought that, eventually, they would end up together. That eventually, he'd get to say « I love you ». But he knew it was not going to become real at school. So they both kept going, snogging with almost the entire school.

« Marlene McKinnon is such a slut, everyone can have her. »

How many times did he hear that sentence ? And Merlin he hated it. Without having time to think, he always found himself stooding up for her when someone was saying it. Yes, she was flirting with everyone, so yes she kinda was a slut. And so was he. But she was not easy to get. He was the only person in this world who had this opportunity. Marlene was wild, she wasn't going to settle down with anyone. Except with him. She did it for him. And he di dit for her. She wasn't easy to get because nobody else could make her feel like he did. No one else had ever got her love and no one ever will but him. Because he was her exception and she was his.

And then the war began. So Sirius thought their time was not know, that he would wait until the end. He had planned everything. Seeing James and Lily at their wedding, seeing the look on Marlene face made him think a lot. And he came to only one conclusion. He didn't want to settle down in his life except if it was with her. Cause she was his special person.

And then it happened.

James was the one who told him. And the timing couldn't be worse. He was so happy, he didn't notice the expression on Prongs' face. Why was he so happy ? « Prongs, I'm gonna ask her. As soon as the war is over, I'm gonna ask Marlene to marry me. » It would probably have been the best day of his life. They chose James to tell him, thinking it would have been easier to hear it from him. But not after feeling that.

It felt terrible. Worst then everything he endured in life. Worse then everything with his parents, worst then the guilt he felt about Regulus. Worse then everything. It was like falling, burning, drowning, suffocating. How could he even breathe with all that pain ? He couldn't believe it. It couldn't be. So he began to run. He run until he arrived at her house. He was going to see her. With her smile. Her eyes. She was going to look at him in a way that was only meant for him.

When he arrived, they were taking the corpse away. James was here. Did he followed him ? Sirius didn't know. He didn't want to know. He just kept running, pushing everyone until he saw her. Lying on the ground, her eyes wide open. The only one left in the house. No one came to interrupt him. Maybe James kept them all outside. Maybe he didn't have to.

Sirius looked at her a long time before he could even moved. Like if she was going to laugh suddendly because it was just a stupid joke. She would have been able to make a joke like this to him. And he wouldn't have been mad at her because he just couldn't. But it was not. So he started going crazy, breaking everything that was in the room. Screaming. Crying loudly. Until he could finally calm down.

He walked towards her, and then sat just next to her. He could barely moved. He closed her eyes. He refused to see her eyes like that. Without life. And he took her hand. It was still a little warm. It was soft. He remembered how he loved to hold that same hand. He couldn't stop crying. And everytime he thought he could, tears just came back. He started talking to her. He needed to talk. He needed to say everything, he didn't care if it made sense or not. He just needed to. He said he was sorry. For everything. He begged her to come back. To tell hi mit was a joke. Just a joke. And when he was how desperate it was, he finally said it :

« I love you. I always did. You, and just you. And everything about you, even when you are being a total bitch to everyone. You're my special person. The only one I could spend the rest of my life with and not get bored. And I now you feel the same. Merlin, I'm so in love with you, desperatly in love you. And I never told you before, because I'm stupid. And so are you for not telling me. And I'll never get to here those words from you know, cause it's too late. The only word I wanted to hear from you. I'll never get to. I thought we had time, but we didn't. I'm so sorry Marlene, I really am. »

And then he stopped talking. He cried silently, holding her body against his. Maybe hours later James came into the room.

« Pad, we gotta go now. » He didn't move, he was staying near the door. Sirius didn't move either, looking at Marlene's body.

« I feel so guilty Prongs...

- It was not your fault, you couldn't know he...

- I'm not talking about this. »

Sirius finally got up. The tears had stopped, which was a good thing. He gave one last look to Marlene before turning towards James.

« I feel guilty because I never told her I love her, and she died without hearing it. »

That was it, he couldn't stay in this room any longer, it was too hard. Way too hard. But James did. Just a few seconds. A few seconds that were enough for him to notice that Marlene was wearing a ring she wasn't wearing before.